Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about a topic that is the reason why many don’t seek help or accept they have PTSD or the like. “They were good people”. Sometimes even stating that they have no bad intentions. Sadly, that matters little - only what happened does.
So we talk this time, about good people doing bad things and why that doesn’t necessarily makes them bad people or anything less true. So let us talk about it.
I stopped counting a long time ago. People claiming they can’t have PTSD or struggle with the word abuse and the like, because the person causing it was a good person. Genuinely a good person. Who cares tremendously for their wellbeing.
Good people with good intentions in horrible situations can do horrible things. For example: There was this father, who discovered that his son is gay and killed him. Not because HE thought gay was a bad thing - but because he was scared.
He feared his son would go to hell if he acted on his gayness. So he killed him before he was damned to hell and doomed himself to hell instead. He said he knows he will go to hell for what he has done as it was horrendous, but at least his son was saved from this fate.
For me this is just so utterly, utterly heartbreaking. This man so deeply loved and cared for his son, that he was willing to spend eternity suffering for him. As far as he knew, there were just two solutions and he was in a state of complete desperation.
And in the end the result of his good intentions are a tragedy. There are countless less extreme examples I could have taken, but it just shows how far this can go. If good intentions automatically let to good results - the world would be such a better place.
First we start with good intentions not leading to good results and then why bad things don’t mean someone is a bad person.
Good intentions =/= good results
I am not sure where the myth originates, that good intentions lead to good results. I am sure we all got a gift or did something for someone with good intentions, that resulted in a different outcome than we wanted or sometimes even hurt someone.
So we all know that good intention don’t mean good results. Maybe it is because we want it to be the case or we sympathize with the struggle. Either way, many struggle to talk badly about people who are generally good. They feel like a liar or a traitor or the like.
As they feel like accusing the person of a crime, when they are merely talking about what happened to them. I think it is crucial to separate between abuser and abused. Or more precisely what the abuser did and what happened to the abused.
Because how to deal with the person who did this to you is a complete separate topic or can of worms as the saying goes. When accepting what happened to you - it is only important how you perceived it. The correction follows in therapy or your healing path.
Maybe just a little - maybe a lot. Once again - trauma is based on emotions and not facts. How you felt is important. It is wise to try to separate it as much as you can from the person who harmed you. For many, many reasons.
Bad things =/= bad person (not only)
Have you dealt with what happened to you then it is time to deal with the person and what to do. In this context it doesn’t mean just because the person did a bad thing, that they are a bad person.
One good deed doesn’t make a good person and neither does one bad one make a bad person. It is always an accumulation. Also an important role plays if the person knew it had negative effects, if it was an accident and so on and so forth.
While the abuser should never have a role in the healing journey - as it makes one dependent on him again and it really isn’t needed - it might be useful in this scenario, if you want to return to a relationship with that person.
Or maybe you from the start saw the event as a separate thing from that person - in that case all is well. Sometimes you just need to find for yourself how you stand to this and how this changes or not changes things. Or just need to talk through it all.
And sometimes you might need a form of action of the other person. That is all fine. Just don’t expect to hear an answer that will make it all alright. It is just there to settle things and calm things down.
The hurt and pain don’t go away like this. They have to be dealt with on their own - as mentioned before. As usually it will take a lot of time and effort.
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at email@example.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.