Episode 104 - Was it all for nothing?

Intro
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about a very sobering moment in your healing journey that is sadly also reflected in real life. The question “Was it all for nothing?” is a deeply dark question that can make you very easily very bitter. Or worse.
It is one of the key moments in your healing journey, where you can easily get stuck, and one of the hardest and most painful things to open up about. So let us talk about it.

Prelude
There is this moment when the fog lifts and the situation becomes apparent. The huge pile of shards and debris is now all that remains and no one to take responsibility for it. The ones responsible are known, but they won’t do it. This is not right.
You know this isn’t right and not how it is supposed to be. This is just plainly wrong. It goes against almost our entire sense of right and wrong. Yet it is still happening. Welcome to life. I was talking about the pile PTSD leaves in your life.
Now some experience this during their earlier healing journey, when they realize how much was destroyed through the trauma in their life. Others fight through PTSD - or sometimes mid fight - realize that what they fought for no longer exists.
Be it because too much time passed, the people changed or are no longer there, you changed - be it your priorities, passions, etc. -, it never existed and was an illusion in the first place or the like. It all of course depends on your individual situation.
It is almost an impossible feeling to describe, to have fought so hard and sacrificed so much - to just have it all crumble to dust and you are left with NOTHING.
We are going to get into two sides of this, first we will talk about being left with nothing and then trying to get justice.

Being left with nothing
One side of it all is -  that you put so much work, effort, pain, sacrifice and the like into something or someone, but either it isn’t appreciated or it still goes downhill. After all of this you are left with nothing. Maybe some ash in your hands.
It took me quite a bit, but I don’t think that is how it is. Sometimes it is important to do something to just give it a chance to happen. You go on a date with the knowledge, it can really go either way. But it is the potential chance that drives you.
You most likely fought so hard for something because you thought it would be worth fighting for. That didn’t change. And while you kept the fight alive there was opportunity there that wasn’t there otherwise. And that DID change things.
Maybe not in the way you wanted or in the full extent which would have made it all right. But things changed and opportunities arose and people were affected. If not others - it did change you. It formed who you are and what you are willing to do.
We usually can never say beforehand if the effort will be worth it - all we can do is to try our best. We can’t control other peoples actions - just our own. And if others don’t take the opportunity offered - than thats on them. You can’t control anybody.
No matter how dire the situation or consequences are, all we can do is offer an opportunity. The others suffer the consequences for their decisions, so it is theirs to make. No matter how right or wrong we think them to be.  

Trying to get justice
Another side is the most natural response to demand the person or whoever responsible to take care of the mess that was created by them. Or at least feel like you are owed the help that was promised and/or you provided before that is now due to be repaid.
Now in the best case scenario you will get these things, but most likely you won’t. And while you might be right with these things - demanding them will only hurt your finger and voice and exhaust you, but will do little else. This is why I don’t recommend that.
I know how hard it is - I really do - when you are at rock bottom and you need to clean up this huge pile in front of you with barely any energy left. And it is a lot of work, but it is also really worth it. Which I know is the opposite you feel in that moment.
Cleaning up the pile is a cleansing act that also gives you back control over your own life and how you are feeling. Also with every bit ground cleared new structures will arise - healthier and stronger structures that you shape if you clear the pile.
Help is of course always appreciated and makes things easier, but sometimes that is just how it is. This might feel like the absolute rock bottom, but from experience and looking back, it was one of the first and most important steps to restoring myself.
My better self. My true self. And yes - it is not your responsibility, you deserve better, it isn’t just, but it is the right thing to do. And exactly what you should do.

Outro
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

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