Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about something else a bit - we are going through the first steps you can take to find the trigger core and the root of the problem. I try to make it a sort of starting point tutorial.
It is this time about loss, but if there is interest in more - I can make them to almost any topic. I thought loss was an universal known topic to everyone - so a good start. So let us talk about it.
I usually tell people to follow the trigger and let it lead you to the core with ‘why’ questions. But I also understand that this can be a bit of a vague instructions for those who have never done anything the like. Nor did I know how to really describe it differently.
So this is an attempt to give a more practical instructions to the topic. The topic of loss doesn’t have to be a person, it can also be a dream, a pet, a way of living, a relationship and so much more. These losses vary in size of course - but are losses nonetheless.
I will in this example focus on someone that was lost. The questions I ask might apply to you or not - they are meant to be a guideline - as I don’t know your situation in particular and have to throw a rather wide net.
Nonetheless I hope you can see what I am going for and if it is asked for - I will do it again for other topics or try to go deeper. But now lets start the questioning. We start with the why questions regarding missing then with what if questions.
Why are you missing this person?
And the first question is: “Why are you missing this person?” - now to be clear I am not questioning that it is the right thing. I am asking you why - because I want you to give me reasons. I want you to list me all the things you are going to miss.
And I mean ALL the things. Why, because he no longer greets you? Why, because you won’t be able to play anymore together? Why, because you couldn’t tell him things you wanted to tell him? Why, because you didn’t do things you said you would?
Why, because you didn’t do thing you wanted to do for ages? Why, because you can no longer ask him for his opinion? Why, because of what could have been? Why is important. If you have trouble keeping track - write it down.
And as always you can say it out loud and hear in your own voice if that is something that is truly bothering you. Most likely it will be many, many things. Loss is a trauma - and like any trauma consists of many small things and isn’t just one big thing.
It is important to find as many as possible - best if all are found. As they usually don’t just disappear.
What if… I could change what happened?
Then there is another side. The side of wondering what could have been done. All these “what if”-questions. What if I had been there earlier. What if I had picked up the phone. What if hadn’t made that one mistake.
There is no real point in what if questions - as we don’t know what would have happened and if the alternative is what we would have wanted. Also what happened has happened - there is no changing it. You can only move forward.
But that is often easier said than done. Once again the right question to ask is why. Why do I feel like, it is my responsibility? Why do I feel like, I could have changed what happened? Once again it is not about justifying yourself.
You are not in front of a judge. It is to find the deep pain within you. The thorn we need to pull out. The more you explain and explore the reasons - the more likely you will find what still left of the trauma and what binds you to it.
In my experience - best way to get rid of “what if” questions is - to realize why you are asking them. Even though most of the time the answers won’t be a surprise. Acknowledging is usually enough to remove the trigger or trauma part. Or the what if questions.
This is just a starting point as it just spirals way to far after that for me to make a universal tutorial - or at least I see it like that at this moment. I can only recommend to keep asking why until the tears come.
When the feeling of relief follows after a short time you found it. If not you almost found it and just need to poke around some more. You will find quite a lot of them. There is also no reason to rush it. Move at your own pace.
If others express concern it might be wise to see if there is a point to what they are saying. No one gets to decide what happens when - besides you. Other people don’t get a voting right. The important thing is to just keep moving. No matter how slow.
Step by step. That is how you reach any goal. Step by step.
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.