Episode 27 - Why does change happen so slowly?

Intro
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about the frustration of the healing process taking always too long and try to find the positive note and how to best deal with it.
This is going to be a shorter and lighter one once again, as the court appointment ate most of my time and energy and its implications still linger. And might for a while.
So today we have a short talk about perspective of our healing process and hopefully take away a bit of the frustration connected with it.

Prelude
It is a sad fact, that your healing process will never be as fast as you want it to be. Because it is annoying, exhausting and leaves you little room to live. But in the end we follow the same rule as in fitness:
“To change yourself is very hard, as you are the material and the one changing it at the same time.” This will always be the most exhausting form of change - but also the most worthwhile one.
And if you do it regularly it also isn’t always such a huge pile, that blocks you for such a long time. Yeah, something I also still try to internalize.  Sadly with PTSD we don’t really have that option often.
So like a kid who stuffed its mouth too full, we now have to find a way to slowly and carefully chew and swallow it - without making everything worse.

Zooming out on the progress
I think one problem is, that we during our healing process view our progress way smaller than it is. It is like with a map, when you zoom all out, the covered distance appears rather small.
But if you zoom closer, the covered distance becomes quite a lot more apparent. I think that it is so important to be aware of all you did. Really start making a list of all your achievements, small victories, etc.
So you see how far you have gone. I think another problem we have, when we zoom to far out is, that we underestimate how long and hard the road we went was.
It is a good idea to regularly write down or in any other way symbolize your current state. This way you can, if you feel like walking on the spot, trace your progress over time.
Also a shorter distance bested in a storm will always be way more impressive than a long distance on a nice day. They shouldn’t be compared.

Forgive yourself/ Don’t be too hard on yourself
It still is wise to occasionally take a break and just relax - to split up the block and gather some energies. Which feels counter intuitive. You are already running behind - why take a break?
Because you are doing hard work. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are running in a storm - which is exhausting. It is important to take breaks and just relax - your brain needs those time outs to work.
Because sadly if you burn yourself out - you just make yourself vulnerable for the next rough times. Which will come - sooner or later. Additionally if you are rested you have more energy and can tackle more.
Also you can’t really control how fast you are healing - as you can only control how fast you can move, which might not be fast enough for your taste. But if you try too hard, all you end up doing is pressuring yourself.
And, and I am aware this sounds easier than it is done, don’t pressure yourself. Yes, pressure is the worst thing you can do with mental illnesses. As it leads to your head being full and drains your barely existing energy.
Despite us trying to forget it, we need our occasionally moments of sparks of happiness. Because unlike a machine you have mood, motivation … and needs. The occasionally happy spark is like a spring in the desert.
And you need that spring so you don’t collapse. We never move as fast as we would like, but the only real importance is, that we keep moving. No matter how small the steps.

Private Words
I have to say, I am glad that my first appointment before court was with an really nice judge who truly cared about right and wrong. Still I will be honest, I am still not sure what happened and was agreed upon.
One could tell me that they have decided to sell me into slavery and I wouldn’t be sure that the claim is wrong. It was truly overwhelming - despite the very kind judge. Still a lot came up I am still thinking about.
Well at least I am now officially handicapped… jay? This is important for hopefully getting the assistance that I do need - sadly. Hope I can live as independent as I can as soon as possible.
Well I will see for sure when the paper arrives in a week… and the bills. Doubt anything big will happen this year - but that is fine. I just hope for the best.

Outro
That was it for todays episode. This week was… wild. For several reasons. I hope your week was better than mine. I am to be honest completely exhausted, but should be fine soon.
Nonetheless, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

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