Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about denial - sadly not just a river in Egypt. We are talking in this episode of our own denial. Mostly about what happened. Maybe you found some things you were in denial about.
Maybe you are in denial that you are in denial of some things. Either way, we talk about the feeling of denial and the constant conflict of if what happened really happened. It does seem a bit… wild, but I also want to go into the reason.
Talking about it should maybe break the silence a bit and assure that you are not loosing your mind. So let us talk about it.
I mean it did happen… right? I mean I can remember it… and… there is evidence right? I mean it DID happen? Right? I mean if it wouldn’t have happened then there would be no evidence… right?
I mean I remember things… but… I am not sure. I mean… they don’t seem to be that unusual. Yes, it was bad… surely. But other had it far worse than me. I mean… I would know right? I mean… I was there.
So if whatever happened and it was like really bad, I would know right? I mean it would be pretty obvious or? I mean - yes, there a lot of hints and I have this thing called C-PTSD and all, but it wasn’t THAT bad.
I mean… I would know. Right? I mean I know it was bad, that is why I need help, but… was it really so extreme? I mean nothing THAT out of the ordinary happened. Right?
If that sounds a bit familiar, then welcome to the world of confusion regarding what happened to you. It is surprisingly hard to accept that something bad has happened to you.
Especially, if the abuse is long in the past and happened in the childhood.
So first we ask us, what the reason is for it being so hard and then what do we do.
The reason why it is so hard - Cognitive Dissonance
So, why does our brain block us in that regard so badly? Well it has to do with cognitive dissonance. Which means, if the brain gets information that contradicts the believe it had before… it rejects it.
This applies to every area, but in this instance the brain desperately tries to hold on to stability and the known. The bad experiences need to be painted brighter, so we can survive them. That is a coping mechanism.
Also the brain has learned that the abuse that was suffered as a child is normal, nothing out of the ordinary. The suffering and damage that goes along with it - is also normal. Or at least THAT is what the brain learned.
Now you are telling the brain that what happened was abuse, but the brain doesn’t have those behaviors listed as abuse, therefor it rejects the notion, that that what happened was abuse.
Secondly, accepting it would mean that the brain has to let go of the house of cards of lies it put in place to stop the whole place from collapsing. Which it is naturally hesitant to do. But it has to happen.
Only the truth will set you free. The lies are no foundation for a future. But they can be a framework to survive. So to summarize:
The brain rejects information that conflicts with old information. Therefor nothing bad has happened to you, as it wasn’t noted that way .
So what do we do?
So, now we have figured out why we are being blocked, what can we do about it? Sadly just being aware won’t make this go away, I wish that was the case. One would think once you figured out the truth that was it.
It should be like that. But the brain, especially if the abuse was over a long period of time, clung to that lie as if it’s life depended on it. Most likely it did. That is why it is so hard to let go of it.
The lie is comforting and offers stability and safety, while the truth offers none of these. The problem with the lie is, that the comfort and safety are an illusion and like a sand castle crumbles sooner or later.
That is why we sooner or later have to get away from it. So… what now? Well… the solution is simple, but annoying. We have to keep dragging the brain out of that house of lies.
This is one of the several instances where you have to rethink a topic several times before it goes away. Each time it gets a bit smaller. So the only way to deal with it, is to review the evidence.
Be careful not to let harmful influence get in the way or you won’t be making any progress. Because if they keep giving you wrong evidence or information, the whole process starts anew.
It is important to be as objective as possible. Read about other people and what they went through - so you can frame what happened to you in a clearer picture.
Even with my nerve damaged arms… I am still unsure. Yes, it keeps getting better. But sometimes you just have to walk the walk. No matter how obvious it should be. It is a road you have to walk.
Did I say last week I was sick? That was the warm up. Fever, shacking, bedridden, the whole package followed. Patience isn’t my strongest suit as I said often before.
And if I didn’t know better, I would think someone is messing with me. All those delays. As if the complications for the normal recordings aren’t enough. Just to give you a little sneak peek:
I have the construction site next to me basically all day starting from 7 am until 7-8pm in the evening. Then there is the cat, who despite usually sleeping all day, is most active if I am trying to record.
No idea why, maybe my active voice calls him, but he does. Same goes for the dog. Then there is the violin player in the flat cross atop of me - who is clearly at the beginning of his journey with this instrument.
Plays occasionally until 10 pm. Of course all those things happen usually at the same time when I try to record.
So… whoever is responsible for my version of the Truman show… needs to get it together - this is getting ridiculous.
That was it for todays episode. I hope you liked it. And I hope it clears up soon for you. As usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at email@example.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.