Episode 39 - (Dealing with) The monster inside of you

Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about the monster inside of you. Or however you call it. The thing that lashed out within you and sometimes goes on such a rampage, that you are not sure anymore, WHO is in charge.
The thing that seems to slumber in the shadow of your soul. Or just you wondering why you behaved this way and why your emotions were so strong and kind of just ran away with you.
The feeling of lack of control can be confusing and frightening. So let us talk about it and shed some light.

The funny thing about rational people is, that they try to solve everything with logic. I belong to that group. Even emotions. The thing is, emotions do not follow the rules of logic.
And trying to tame them might have the opposite of the wanted effect. There are many ways to call it - the monster, the dark side, the emotional other and so on and forth. I went with monster - I know - creative.
The reason was, I was so scared of it. It would cause me so much pain and suffering. How could I describe it as anything else? Lashing out, taking over control, tormenting me. How was that not a monster?
It took me a while, but at one point I realized that the monster was just feeling as I did and just wanted to be loved. And it was protecting me. I embraced the monster and since then things have improved.
Of course that improvement didn’t happen over night. But instead of random lash outs and pain and confusion and fear. I understood it now as an echo to my actions and the actions of other people against me.
Now the monster is my pet and by my side. Still has its fangs and claws, but nonetheless. I think I heard many being in the position I was, in fear from that what is inside of you, so I decided to talk about it.
We start with what is the monster and then how do we deal with the monster.

What is the monster?
So what is the monster? To give a short answer: Cerebellum and the subconsciousness. Your primal instincts and emotions and your subconsciousness teaming up. Let us use metaphorical terms.
Each time you ignore your emotions, feelings, etc and shove them to the side, so to speak, they are put to a corner of your being. And each time you do it the corner grows. Once it is big enough, it comes to life.
Though in reality it is more that it is now big enough to have an own response outside of your control. Like a pile of cloth starts to develop its own response you can’t control if it grows too big.
And that is what that monster is, your neglected emotions and emotional side. Often those are negative emotions we don’t like to associate ourselves with, that is why we suppress them.
But like with everything: If you try to suppress something, it comes back in the worst moments to slam back in your face. The monster is really sort of a split of your own personality. And yes, that is not healthy.
So the goal with the monster is to reintegrate it into yourself. The more you suppress and have those negative emotions, the bigger the monster gets. And the more you loose control over it.

How do we deal with the monster?
So how to we deal with the monster? As I said earlier, by embracing it. More or less. It is helpful to see the whole thing as a being, be it a monster, dog, cat, shadow twin or the like.
As it helps to visualize the whole ordeal and gives you sort of a way to sort this relationship between those two parts. And it gives you a way of mentally interacting with it. Therefor being able to regain influence.
The main stop should be to stop feeding it by suppressing your emotions, etc and rejecting it. Healthy management of your emotions is SO important. The rejection of the monster makes it just more agitated.
You learn to embrace it, by watching it and reading its reaction to various things - for that visualization is so important. It is important to learn to understand why it reacts the way it reacts.
The more you accept your darker emotions and why you react the way you react - the tamer and more harmless the monster becomes. It can become your pet like it has become mine.
Your negative emotions don’t make you a bad person - they make you human. Yes, you shouldn’t let them take control over your life, but denying them is lying to yourself.
This way you are creating a self in your head, that can’t exist in reality. We want to be good, we always do. We want to be loved and good. But we also need to embrace and accept our darker traits.
That doesn’t meant we can’t work towards reducing them, but they will always be there. The key is to manage them in a way, that no one gets harmed. It is tricky, but doable.

Private Words
I really had hoped that I won’t be needing to talk about this topic again…. Especially so soon. But sadly the Corona Virus situation escalated just as we feared it would. Still no reason to panic. Seriously.
Never once has panic helped anyone. But sadly the virus wasn’t contained as I hoped. I am highly skeptical that the numbers we got for several days out of china can be trusted. Though I seriously hope they are correct.
But to be honest I never had a lot of faith in those numbers in the first place. Sadly a lot of nations with a lot of slums are now also having the virus - which will most likely end badly. I fear and hope I am wrong again.
But also the US troubles me at the moment. I really don’t see the US government handling the situation… professional. What is also troubling to me is, that the test for the virus can cost up to a few thousand Dollars.
Up to and with no insurance. Which seems to me rather unwise in a situation like this. That means most will go untested, which easily leads to it spreading WAY further, especially since the symptoms are so mild.
Though I want to add, that I read that it costs way less in a doctors office or clinic. Also I want to add that you indeed WON’T get it from the corona beer. Yes, quite a big fraction believes that.
So… enjoy Netflix? The best line of defense seems really to stay inside and wash your hands. And a small reminder, that the virus is harmless for around 98% of the population. Stay save and take care.

That was it for todays episode, I hope you enjoyed it. I hope my voice sounded alright, sick again sadly. And I hope you are in better health than me and that you stay healthy.
If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD ~ Episode 39 - (Dealing with) The monster inside of you
Ep39 - (Dealing with) The monster inside
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