Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about a quite somber topic, but it is very important to me. The topic of how we are just a few seconds away from death - and I don’t mean in the normal way.
I mean specifically because we suffer from PTSD. How we sometimes get for a brief moment the extreme strong desire to kill ourselves… and then it is all gone, as if it never happened.
I wouldn’t call it suicide, because suicide implies that you plan to die. This is completely different. It is more your body is forcing you to kill yourself, even if you don’t want it.
Since this is a very dangerous thing to occur and seemingly sort of a taboo, as is suicide in general, so I thought it incredible important to talk about it.
I was waiting a bit for the right moment to talk about this… but there doesn’t seem to be one. So now is a good a moment as ever. The behavior that I am describing is usually only occurring if you have strong symptoms.
Nonetheless, even if you don’t have them, it might be wise to know about this. There is a good reason why, when I was in the worse of my PTSD, I stood far away from the train rails when I waited for my train.
Or why I stood away from the street while waiting for the signal to cross it. I think you have to witness it to really understand it, how fast it goes. You just sit there, everything is fine.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, you have this extreme strong desire to kill yourself. Like it is overwhelming. Everything in your head demands that you do it. Refusing is causing insufferable pain.
And suicide seems to be the only logical and reasonable thing to do. A few seconds later, it is as if nothing has happened. The thoughts are gone. As are ANY intentions of suicide.
You might be standing there afterwards and thinking… what the hell just happened? Am I loosing my mind? So let us break the silence and talk about it.
Why does it happen?
There is sadly no “official” explanation why and how this is happening, as far as I know. These aren’t the common suicide thought that slowly grow and take more and more shape in your head.
I had no suicide intentions before and after that. Pretty much far from it. I was also not in a particular bad spot. It always seemed to be pretty random. It seems like the brain rolls. And if it hits the 1, you get this.
It seems logical, that the more severe your case of PTSD is… the smaller the dice is. Especially if your are at your limits already and your resistance is low. As usual and in the line of things.
I am not sure how many seconds it is. I also don’t know if it is longer or shorter if your PTSD is more or less severe. I was a bit busy in that moment to be able to count and it never got less severe that I could.
It just stopped happening at one point during my healing path. It definitely only happened when I was at the worst end of my PTSD journey. So it is one of the end stage symptoms I would call it.
It is also nothing like the random thoughts like “I could just jump now” that almost everyone experiences. It was like I was being mind controlled by something, that tried to make me do it.
There is really no curve to this, it hits you like a truck and then it is gone. Like nothing has happened. Almost like a malfunction of a machine. I really need more input from others to be able to tell more.
What can we do?
Which leads us, of course, to the most important question: What can we do? Sadly, not all too much. Of course getting better is the only way to truly get rid of them, but that might take a bit.
So what do we do in the meantime? I would recommend doing what I did, and avoid any situations where you could kill yourself within a few seconds - if you have more or less severe symptoms.
That means, like I mentioned, standing more in the back if you wait for a train, the pedestrian light, etc. You should be still able to catch the train and cross the street.
I would also recommend not driving, ESPECIALLY if you also have trouble sleeping, IF you can avoid it. I know in some places that is not an option. Then at least I recommend trying to drive during low traffic times.
And, I know this is going to be a sensitive issue, keep a weapon away from yourself that you can't kill yourself with within a few seconds. There is a good reason for the effectiveness and high suicide rate in America.
Sadly weapons are really effective in killing, even if the target is yourself. I am not saying get rid of them or anything. Just be save for a few seconds
And of course the most important one: Try to not push your boundaries and save energy. The more you push your boundaries, the more likely you are gliding into a worse category.
Which makes of course this more likely to happen. Just try to stay save and protect yourself. It can really happen so fast.
I was thinking about what I could possibly say after such a topic and I am going to use a bit of a cop out: The absolute changing landscape of mother nature. From horror movie to green. VERY green.
I am fascinated by this effect every year. It just seems to be happening over night. The grey on grey seems to be lasting forever and then suddenly… all is green and dandy. Or at least in my climate.
Like from the bare branches to so much green, you ask yourself where HAVE they been hiding it. And flowers. Loads of them. And then there are of course the duck couples. There are several here on our small river.
I really enjoy were I live. I like being close to nature like this. And it is really such a sight for my sore eyes to have the colors back after so long grey, dark and brown. Also, do you like winter AND summer?
No worries. We on one day went from -2°C (that is 28°F) to 23°C (that is 73° F). Yes, in one day. The days before and after we had similar temperature differences. This is crazy. Also the sun is back.
Slowly getting warm, but quite far from scorching yet. All in all it is a nice spring, it is a shame we can’t enjoy it as much we would like at the moment - but we can enjoy it.
That was it for todays episode. I hope you liked it, despite the rather somber topic, but I think it is important to be aware of something like this.
Please be careful and if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.