Episode 61 - I just can't talk really to anyone

Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about something most likely all too familiar for most of you. The feeling of not being able to talk with anyone truly. Be it about what happened or what you feel.
This feeling can make you feel very isolated and can lead to depression. That is why I think it is very important we talk about it.

In my old PTSD community we had the saying “Traumatizing your therapist”, which refers to telling the therapist something that is so overwhelming for him, that he can’t properly deal with it.
Most of the times, what we told, doesn’t even make us flinch, but I heard stories of people that they brought their therapist to tears. As much as we joked about it - it sadly describes a real problem.
We often can’t really say what we think or feel or what we went through. Other people might SAY that they can handle it, but usually they are sadly wrong - even if one keeps to rather tame stories sometimes.
You get this complete shocked or maybe disgust or horror or just overwhelmed face. What usually often follows is this awkward silence. Sometimes even with the other person leaving. Sometimes they even ghost us.
Even if it is “just” a face they make, it is a sign that they are not capable with dealing with it. Even worse, we often see that we are hurting our loved ones and burden them heavily. Which we of course want to avoid.
I want to first explain what it does to us and then what we can do to change that.

Isolated - not being able to talk
I know many of you, if not all, have learned to keep all of it locked away from their surrounding to prevent negative reactions. The problem that we now have, is that we are isolating and muting ourselves.
About a topic, especially during healing, we have A LOT to talk about. We wonder about things, we discover things, we fear things, we don’t know how to handle things and so on and so forth.
Humans often need social interaction after a discovery or emphasis they had. Be it to decide what to do with it or because it is what is keeping them busy at the moment or because they want to share.
And this is not even touching the emotions we are sub pressing this way. This can lead to additional trauma, poisoning yourself, depression, feelings of isolation and the like.
Being able to speak freely and having the right to speak is an important human right. Yet, we can’t in good conscience talk freely about it. It isn’t fair to those around us. Neither is it to us.

What we can do
This leads us of course to the question, what we can do about it. Not too much naturally. Seeking professional help is one thing that is generally always recommended. But that doesn’t really solve the issue does it?
Often we need to talk someone within the next hours and sometimes it seems to small to really talk to anyone about it. Luckily we don’t really need someone to be there when we talk about it.
It is just important to say it or to write it out. This way our thoughts and ideas become reality. That is also the reason why we sometimes can’t say things, as we know deep down that they become reality this way.
The most classic version of doing this is to start using a diary. Which can be addressed to no one, to a friend, the diary itself, to someone no longer there, someone that doesn’t exists, whatever you want.
Yes, it was weird for me as well to start writing a diary, which I thought I left in my teenage years behind. But there is a good reason it is recommended as a companion to therapy, as it has many uses.
Not just for unmuting yourself, but also to see your progress, the ability to review a specific line of thought or phase and many more.
Even if you don’t need to write down your thought, it is good way to visualize your healing path.

Alternatives to diary
Now I know that for many keeping a diary is just not realistic. Either because of their state or their work or life or whatever reason. Some fear, with good reason, that whatever they write down could be used against them.
Now what do we do? Besides the option for decrypted diaries, there are a few other ways. As it is just important to write or say what you need, it doesn’t need to remain to exist. Even though that is rather helpful.
Some burn the pages after they wrote them. Other record themselves and sometimes delete that. The important thing is to address the whole thing to someone else than you. To formulate your thoughts and feelings.
And to put those thoughts from your head into the world outside. It really doesn’t matter much how you do that - you can for example write it with a stick in the dirt before you - but you need a way to let them out.
Otherwise they will start to harm you.

That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Stay save out there and if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time

The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD ~ Episode 61 - I just can't talk really to anyone
Ep61 - I just can't talk really to anyon
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