Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about Forgiveness… and why it isn’t needed. I think we all heard that if we want to heal we need to forgive our tormentors or wrongdoers or whatever you want to call them.
It doesn’t matter if they are male or female, but for a few reason I stick to him in this episode. Since this is such an important point of healing and in many peoples life - I think it is important that we talk about it.
Not sure where the narrative, that you need to forgive originated, but I agree with the notion to not cling to your anger and hate. That is really like drinking poison and expect the other one to die.
Anger can be turned into fuel to drive yourself forward… be it in becoming more active, going for a goal you didn’t thought you can reach or the like. But that isn’t what is meant when we use the word clinging to it.
Do you have the right to be angry? Most likely absolutely. Depending on your case of course. Do you have a good reason to hate? I assume you do. But being right and getting justice are two VERY different things.
As most of you - if not all - most likely already figured out. There is no nice way of saying this, but the likelihood that you get justice is minimal. Most likely you will be stuck with the bill.
Which usually makes the whole forgive notion even more infuriating. So I can confirm to you: Forgiveness isn’t necessary, but letting go is. So let us get into it.
What is the idea of forgiveness?
I feel we should start with what the idea was behind the notion “you need to forgive to heal”, which isn’t actually that far off. People noticed, that if you keep focusing on what happened - it ruined you.
You become more miserable and more and more of you disappears to give place to hatred and anger. Similar things go for revenge, a debatable topic, which I think depends on a case by case basis.
Because if you cling onto it - the wrongdoer still controls your life. If you do x to spite him, you still doing x because of him. For example, if you throw yourself in the arms of a new partner to show it to your wrongdoer?
He is still controlling your life. The same applies if you are still actively hating and trying to do things to him. That still means he is in control of your life. So not following down that rabbit hole is wise.
Forgiveness =/= moving on
Though I want to point out, that there is a HUGE difference between forgiving and clinging to your anger. Just because you are at one extreme point doesn’t mean the right way is to go to the other extreme of the spectrum.
The more healthy version is to let it go and to move on. Now the important distinction is, that this DOES NOT make it okay what happened. This is not forgive and forget. The charge remains untouched by this.
He is still guilty of the crime and does NOT receive a pardon. This is NOT about him. This is about YOU. Your wellbeing is NOT dependent on him. Only on you. Only this way you will be truly free of your wrongdoer.
You basically went to the police and filed the report and pressed charges. Now it is no longer in your hands. There is no reason to torment yourself about it. This is not something you truly can control.
As said before, most likely you won’t be receiving any form of justice. And letting it go and moving on means, that you accept that there will be no justice, but you live your life free and on your own again.
Justice =/= cured
Because let us be honest here, even IF you receive any form of justice, nothing will make what happened better, lighter or disappear. Yes, it will help with the healing process and your faith in humanity and so on.
But it won’t make the nightmares about what happened disappear. Nor the triggers nor the memories nor all the side effects that happened. This will remain with you. No matter how much you wish it wouldn’t.
This is both good and bad. It is bad because your problems won’t just disappear with an act of justice, but it also good, because it means you can cure yourself even if you receive no justice at all.
Which will be most likely the case. The important thing is to remove anything from the wrongdoer in your life - to stop any influence he has on your life. Only then the healing can begin.
As otherwise the wound keeps getting poked and poked and just can’t heal. To use a good saying: Kick everyone out of your head, who isn’t paying rent.
Since you know about my story, especially the updated version on my homepage, you might wonder what I did with my tormentors. To makes things short, I did what I described.
They noticed when they tried to rug sweep what happened in the past. I won’t budge and respond accordingly to it. Yes I still have contact with some of them, naturally not the worst offender - my main tormentor.
I even treated (as in therapy) some of them - though I REALLY don’t recommend doing that. That is a VERY difficult path to walk on. Yes, my tormentor remains unaffected… sometimes even rewarded for what he did.
I still was able to cure myself. And it feels so good to be free of them… like chains with weights being removed one by one. I really only can recommend it.
That was it for todays episode - I hope that you liked it. Please stay safe and drink enough - especially with these warm temperatures at times.
And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time