Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about being raised to be a victim - it doesn’t really matter if it is intentional or not. Also I am not referring to grooming, that is another topic for another time.
Many people wonder why they are prone to fall for predators or why they have such a hard time to stand up for themselves or why they are just such a doormat or the like.
This leads often to feeling of strong insecurity, vulnerability and so on. Many don’t really know why they are like that. So it is important we talk about it.
I have come now to the point in my life where people are commenting on how good I am in standing up for myself and how they never could do that. Which is a very weird feeling, as just a few years ago I said the same things.
You really don’t really notice how much you changed until in moments like these. I had of course time in the meantime to find out what the reason for that behavior is and how to rewrite yourself - so to speak.
I mean there is the obvious “If you even look the wrong way you will feel pain” feedback I received from the physical abuse I suffered - but that fell on fertile ground and therefor became more solid and ingrained in me.
It made this sort of behavior WAY stronger, but did not create it. That happened via a different instance - my teachings as a child. Which ironically many receive - some intentional, some unintentional, some subconsciously.
This if of course a HUGE topic I could - without a doubt - talk about for hours. So this episode we focus on what teaching makes you the prime target to be a victim to bullying, abusers, narcissists and the like.
Looking out for anyone but yourself
That would be the notion, that if you take care for everyone else around you, then life will take good care of you. Spoiler Alert: No it doesn’t. All it teaches you is to give the responsibility of your life to anyone but you.
I am not saying go for the opposite by tackling grandma because she has the last slice you wanted, but it is important to take care of yourself. That is YOUR responsibility - not of anyone else. Yours alone.
The problem is - that is uncomfortable for your surrounding. For your parents as much as for anyone else. So you will receive negative feedback for that, but that only truly works if you receive it as a child.
This is rarely ever said out loud - children don’t need to be said things. They are VERY good at picking up cues and feedback from adults. Their life literally depends on it. So a light frown of an eyebrow is enough. Really.
Yes, we need to encourage children to share, empathize and play good with others, but it is also important to teach them that their needs matter. Especially over other people wants, which is often the want the child to obey.
We learn as children what is normal, this includes - of course - which behavior is normal and which behavior to us is normal. We rarely get to correct our normal meter in later life - where would one do that?
No responsibility about own life
The side effect of giving the responsibility of your life to everyone but you, is - you learn not to make choices for yourself. Ever felt overwhelmed when having to face a career path? Issues saying what you REALLY want?
If you set your life up to just respond to everyone else around you - you don’t learn to make choices for yourself, but only how to pick between the options that other people are giving to you.
This also makes you constantly rely on the feedback of those around you - this can be confirmation that you are doing the right thing, that something you created was good, your political opinion is right and so on.
But most importantly is the feedback that you are a valued person. This leads often to not daring to rock the boat, say no, make other people unhappy, feeling useless and/or the like.
This is also one of the factors for your own voice not mattering - but I plan to get into that another time. The good news you can learn making choices and responsibility and all that - but it WILL take time and practice.
So to reiterate: You have rights. Your rights end where mine begin and mine end where yours begin. My wants don’t out weight your needs. Maintaining those rights is not bad - it is your basic human right.
If you were taught the mentioned before - you learned that your needs aren’t important and your primarily function is to take care of other peoples needs. That is a form of child abuse - this only on a side note.
It is not the job of a child to take care of the needs of those around her - neither truly as an adult either. If you feel like only when you are helping others you serve your function in life - it might be worth checking it out.
You might not have been taught this on purpose - this is often a cycle that gets repeated endlessly, because the parents don’t check their own teachings properly. Those who value you - also value your wellbeing.
Those who do not value your feelings and wellbeing tend to not value you as a person. You deserve to be valued - your emotions, wellbeing, opinion and the like. And you can change and unlearn things - with time.
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. I just wanted to inform you, that my dog finally is no longer suffering - I am glad he can finally rest in peace.
I - as always - hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.