Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about a feeling many have - the feeling of faking the whole ordeal and where It comes from. This is not about the impostor syndrome - that is something else.
It is the feeling you are making a huge show for nothing and/or that there shouldn’t be a reason for you to feel this bad and/or not be able to just get on with your life.
That can really make you doubt yourself beyond reason and hinder the healing process. So let us talk about it.
I still think what happened to me was completely normal. I could swear that in front of a judge without any issues. For me the other people who claim they had a different upbringing are just lying or REALLY weird.
Logically - of course - I came to the realization that this is not the case - as well as by the reaction of the other people. Nothing better than telling a for you funny story and then look into horrified and shocked faces.
Often speechless too. It really helps to have a list of ‘public friendly’ stories to avoid this sort of thing. But it just shows how non universal the feeling of normal is and how much an illusion it is.
We talked about it many times before - we learn what is normal when we are children. Whatever kind of normal is establish we will consider normal all our life. Despite it being not for the general population.
That ranges from weird to abusive. Many things might be harmless, but some are definitely not. So first we talk about the reasons why we feel like faking it and then about denial.
It is normal - why bother?
The biggest reason for you feeling like you are faking it - is because it feels normal. We just touched upon it, but that mostly for things that happened in the past long gone. But it also applies to the situation of having PTSD.
Usually PTSD isn’t this loud dramatic outbreak as it is quite often portrayed. It is a subtle slight gliding down a hill over many years - unless you had a big traumatic event that makes the symptoms basically explode.
We get to that another time - but even then: You most likely were slowly sliding downhill over a long period of time before hand, but because it was so slow you didn’t notice. Frog in the pan thing - VERY slowly increasing the heat.
So either your brain is used to what happened to you - therefor it considers it normal or you slowly glided into it and your normal status changed without you noticing - or whatever makes your brain think this is normal.
But because you feel it is normal - you feel like it isn’t really worth the bother. I mean yes, but “not like THAT”. Loads of attention and restlessness of other people just feels WRONG - because it is normal, right?
And since it feels wrong - something must be wrong. So you feel like you are completely overdoing it… making drama over a completely normal thing - which makes you feel like you are faking it.
Despite that REALLY not being the case.
Then there is the denial phase - I played into that earlier. It is astonishingly hard to come to terms with what is happening and what happened. Logically it is rather easy, but feelings wise it is a COMPLETELY different story.
Denial doesn’t come only in the form of you saying that this must be wrong - most of the time it is pushing away those nagging doubts or wild thoughts or deep down fears - we fear even more to be real - or the like.
It is also the usually the first and longest phase of the overall healing process - the prologue so to speak. Of you being completely in denial that it happened, that it affected you or that it was bad - or the like.
That is also easily done when you compare your own experiences with the portrayed on in media and stories and the like. It creates a wrong perception and therefor you feel a disconnect and dismiss it more easily.
It is also easy to dismiss your own suffering compared to those of others… compared to that it wasn’t too bad. Despite that being rarely accurate. It takes often quite a while to dig out the full trauma and see its full scope.
In the end it is all about coming to terms with it - which usually only happens if you keep revisiting the topic until it takes on the new shape it needs to be.
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.