Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about suicide - as it is memorial day and I thought about all the ones we loose through suicide often because of PTSD. This time I wanted to focus on those left behind and the coping with the suicide of another person.
This doesn’t just apply to soldiers. I might do a topic on suicide another time if it is wanted. It is important as we need to talk about it but it is still often taboo. So let us talk about it.
I have my own share of experiences, no matter if it was suicidal thoughts, talking someone out of suicide or loosing someone through suicide. It is so incredible hard to reach someone in the stage, where they made already that decision.
It is the solution to their suffering, they think, and the good end they have been looking for. It is so easy getting lost, especially with the help of PTSD or depression. The world suddenly seems to follow different rules and changes completely.
Even with my extensive knowledge and some experience - talking someone out of suicide is extremely difficult. And it is sadly important, that you go into that conversation with the knowledge, that it might not work.
And that there is nothing you can do about that possibility. When dealing with humans there is always the chance things go in a surprising direction. That isn’t your fault. All we can do is act on the best of our abilities.
That is sadly sometimes not enough. We first will talk about how PTSD/Depression warps ones sense of reality and then why it is not your fault.
Depressions/PTSD warped sense of reality
The absolute heartbreaking reality is, that Depression/PTSD warps your sense of reality into a VERY twisted form of nightmares. Everything becomes pointless. Food without taste, same with drinks. Sex is dull and your orgasm will become meh.
Movies, music, sports, books, new things and so on - all of it will give you less and less joy. Anything that was once a source of energy, positivity and the like will become more and more barren.
Though the worst part - in my opinion - is what it does to our love. Be it the love for our friends, family, partner, pets or anyone - it blocks our ability to feel it. To feel the warmth of it. Without it the world becomes a cold, dark and harsh place.
The goal is really to take more and more away from you until you give in - it is like a self destruction feature of the body. And it is initiated by the brain, which interprets the world around us for us. Which means it determines the narrative and we are at its mercy.
If the brain says there is a huge yeti in front of you, then you will believe it - even if your logic tells you, that there is no way this is true. And this brain not only tells you there is no longer any love, but that you are an active burden to those around you.
It is not hard to believe that, when you are not able to work or be productive and reliant on help of others and often you are in that state because of depression/PTSD. Trust me you honestly believe that with the fullest of your heart.
It’s not your fault
Which leads us to it’s not your fault section. As people in this state genuinely believe they are doing those around them a favor by killing themselves and that they will be grateful and relieved for this act, after being sad for a bit.
Even if they experiences the suicide of someone else. There is no logic to it. Some believe that the person committed suicide was important to the group - unlike themselves. The brain is the one who interprets how we perceive other people and what they do.
So the brain makes every frown a face of deep disgust, laughters is always about you and never with you, every sigh is a sign that you want that person not around and the like. You can’t be so good that you won’t do any of these.
The brain is ACTIVELY looking for them to justify the suicide plans. It will make out of nothing a huge pile. I am not saying this to give you the feeling that everything you do is pointless - far from it. You are likely one of the last beacons they have.
I just want to explain why it is so incredible hard and why the odds are stacked against you and that even if you go at it with all you have - you still might loose this battle. This is not your fault. Sometimes it is just a few seconds. I dodged quite a few of those.
A few seconds later one wouldn’t have done it. I know it is easier to beat yourself up, because that means you can hold someone responsible, even it is yourself. Where else to go with your pain, hurt, frustration, anger, grief and the like?
It is easier to blame yourself than to accept that these things just happen. Because that means they can happen again at any time. Which means you can get hurt again. So it is easier to hold yourself accountable to get some sort of control back.
But this is life. Things just happen. Good and bad. And as much as we would like to control it - we can’t. It is best to let go and accept you can’t control it and that it isn’t your fault.
Get help if you feel like you need it
I will end this episode with a plea for your to get help if you feel any way in this regard. Get help when the trouble is as small as possible. I will leave links and contacts in the description. You are not bothering them - there are people there that would love to help you.
You aren’t wasting their time - on the contrary. They would love to help you when your trouble hasn’t become extreme yet, because that is always easier and better to do.
I beg you to reach out if you feel like you need help. It happens so fast.
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful - especially with this dark topic. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.