Who am I?

Hello my dears,
My name is Johanna and I suffered severe daily abuse from basically the start until I was roughly 16 years old. The other abuse continued, but in my original offset I just focused on the daily abuse I suffered.
I since then discovered that many different overlaying traumas and the sleeper traumas.
I made a list of my traumas, but if I counted correctly, I had 3 C-PTSD s (incl. one Post Torture Syndrome, but changed to C-PTSD) and 7 PTSD s.
There might be more added with time and some debate regarding if it belong in the first or second category.
I was a typical good girl, with good grades, which did her Abitur and then went to go study Biology and later on Psychology. I was in the first half of my twenties, when my main C-PTSD broke out.
First I got an emergency appointment in the clinic of my university, but soon I realized, I would die if I stayed.
I had to leave my studies and after that fought for my life. I was desperately trying to get help, but either they disappeared or were not available. All my calls for help went unanswered or returned with insults.
I noticed my state getting worse and worse until I realized that I was literally dying and no one was going to help me.

That is when I started to doing my own research with scientific papers, as I had learned in my studies where to find, how to read them and had good base sources.
The main goal was to reduce my suffering, as the pain was barely bearable and I am used to a LOT of pain. It felt like I was being ripped apart and eaten alive, but somehow still being alive.
I learned enough and tackled my first trigger, after a while I succeeded and I realized what I was doing was working. I kept researching and educating myself.
Still I never thought I actually could remove the trauma completely, as no one thought it possible. But I could. I learned since a lot, not just about PTSD, but also torture, narcissism, manipulation, etc.

Partly why I could do this, is because I am an asperger (high functioning autist), still not sure what the correct description is and it is not really relevant. It just leads me to be sometimes a bit… unusual.
I also have a white Shepard (RIP 11/2020) and a Norwegian forest cat who support me with their company and are the sunshine in my life.

List of my traumas
C-PTSD - The daily violent abuse
C-PTSD - The torture   (also referring to it as the Post Torture Syndrome, as Torture is an own thing and significantly differentiate from the others)
C-PTSD - Neglect
PTSD - Emotional Abuse
PTSD - Emotional Abuse (external/different source)
PTSD - Bullying
PTSD - Survivors guilt
PTSD - After Outbreak response
PTSD - Narcissism related
PTSD - Death of a particular person under particular circumstances

Vague on purpose, because otherwise I have to drag people into this, that haven’t agreed to make their story public.

If you would like to know more - just ask. I am a fairly open person.

My past

Small trigger warning again: Not a pretty story coming.

Starting from my 3rd (where I started to develop memories) up to my 16th year, I was basically daily abused (of course not starting full force at the start), with a few off days. Later it became more psychologically.

Additionally I was tortured - in different ways.
Unlike some others, my suffering wasn’t connected to anything specific, but as a method to let off steam.  Therefor I couldn’t predict it and it could happen at any time.
I will not go into more details here, as its really not the place.
It wasn’t my parents, just to get that out of the way. They are a story of their own and my business. I am still having close contact with them.

And of course I was bullied, excluded, etc. during my school time. Though to their defense I was really an odd one and their hormone driven brains were unable to cope with it. I don’t really blame them for that, I just would have wished it didn’t happen.

Nowadays I just suffer mostly emotional abuse, until I basically cut all ties. Of course I am the black sheep, who behaves incomprehensibly.

If you have questions, ask. It is okay to ask, but it is also okay for me to say, that I don’t want to answer that question. But I prefer being asked, then have speculation and false information spread.

What kind of symptoms did I have?

As far as I know most of them, but I can list them:
No energy (basically not able to do anything), severe depression, chest pain (felt like I was being ripped open, while eaten alive - the pain was insane and unimaginable), eating disorder, sleeping disorder/insomnia (falling asleep, sleeping through and waking up), constant fear, panic attacks, death scares, hallucinations, flashbacks, forced impulsed (things had to be done in a specific way, no matter how tired, hungry, etc I was), restlessness (I was never calm - always under stress), nightmares, trouble concentrating of course, thin skin/emotionally on the edge, triggered behavior and self harm.
I really thought I would die of fear and the shadows hunting me when my PTSD broke out. I actually can’t believe I survived all of this - I was extremely lucky. All of it is gone now of course.

 

No one deserves to live like this. That is not a life worth living.

Am I really sure it is REALLY gone?

Yes to 99,99%. First I am no longer effected by any triggers and can live a life free of triggers. At maximum they cause an uncomfortable feeling.
Additionally I am now hunting down my trauma - constantly checking if I overlooked something. Which occasionally happens - which I usually deal within a day or two.
Thirdly there is a form of progression you can feel - a form of change. And freedom.
My prognosis went from Nursery case with maximum 5h work a week to be able to work a normal work week. Well at least form my energy, etc wise.

Once you understood the illness the path becomes clear - no matter how long it takes or difficult the path is.