Episode 61 - I just can't talk really to anyone
In this episode we will talk about something most likely all too familiar for most of you. The feeling of not being able to talk with anyone truly. Be it about what happened or what you feel. This feeling can make you feel very isolated and can lead to depression. That is why I think it is very important we talk about it
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something most likely all too familiar for most of you. The feeling of not being able to talk with anyone truly. Be it about what happened or what you feel. This feeling can make you feel very isolated and can lead to depression. That is why I think it is very important we talk about it.
Prelude [0:32]
In my old PTSD community we had the saying “Traumatizing your therapist”, which refers to telling the therapist something that is so overwhelming for him, that he can’t properly deal with it. Most of the times, what we told, doesn’t even make us flinch, but I heard stories of people that they brought their therapist to tears. As much as we joked about it - it sadly describes a real problem. We often can’t really say what we think or feel or what we went through. Other people might SAY that they can handle it, but usually they are sadly wrong - even if one keeps to rather tame stories sometimes. You get this complete shocked or maybe disgust or horror or just overwhelmed face. What usually often follows is this awkward silence. Sometimes even with the other person leaving. Sometimes they even ghost us. Even if it is “just” a face they make, it is a sign that they are not capable with dealing with it. Even worse, we often see that we are hurting our loved ones and burden them heavily. Which we of course want to avoid. I want to first explain what it does to us and then what we can do to change that.
Isolated - not being able to talk [1:50]
I know many of you, if not all, have learned to keep all of it locked away from their surrounding to prevent negative reactions. The problem that we now have, is ththal at we are isolating and muting ourselves. About a topic, especially during healing, we have A LOT to talk about. We wonder about things, we discover things, we fear things, we don’t know how to handle things and so on and so forth. Humans often need social interaction after a discovery or emphasis they had. Be it to decide what to do with it or because it is what is keeping them busy at the moment or because they want to share. And this is not even touching the emotions we are sub pressing this way. This can lead to additional trauma, poisoning yourself, depression, feelings of isolation and the like. Being able to speak freely and having the right to speak is an important human right. Yet, we can’t in good conscience talk freely about it. It isn’t fair to those around us. Neither is it to us.
What we can do [3:00]
This leads us of course to the question, what we can do about it. Not too much naturally. Seeking professional help is one thing that is generally always recommended. But that doesn’t really solve the issue does it? Often we need to talk someone within the next hours and sometimes it seems to small to really talk to anyone about it. Luckily we don’t really need someone to be there when we talk about it. It is just important to say it or to write it out. This way our thoughts and ideas become reality. That is also the reason why we sometimes can’t say things, as we know deep down that they become reality this way. The most classic version of doing this is to start using a diary. Which can be addressed to no one, to a friend, the diary itself, to someone no longer there, someone that doesn’t exists, whatever you want. Yes, it was weird for me as well to start writing a diary, which I thought I left in my teenage years behind. But there is a good reason it is recommended as a companion to therapy, as it has many uses. Not just for unmuting yourself, but also to see your progress, the ability to review a specific line of thought or phase and many more. Even if you don’t need to write down your thought, it is good way to visualize your healing path.
Alternatives to diary [4:33]
Now I know that for many keeping a diary is just not realistic. Either because of their state or their work or life or whatever reason. Some fear, with good reason, that whatever they write down could be used against them. Now what do we do? Besides the option for decrypted diaries, there are a few other ways. As it is just important to write or say what you need, it doesn’t need to remain to exist. Even though that is rather helpful. Some burn the pages after they wrote them. Other record themselves and sometimes delete that. The important thing is to address the whole thing to someone else than you. To formulate your thoughts and feelings. And to put those thoughts from your head into the world outside. It really doesn’t matter much how you do that - you can for example write it with a stick in the dirt before you - but you need a way to let them out. Otherwise they will start to harm you.
Outro [5:37]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Stay save out there and if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time
Episode 62 - PTSD breakout
In this episode we clarify what it means to have PTSD, what happens at the breakout, when it happens and why it happens usually. After that we get into to what kind of false assumptions and actions this leads.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about PTSD breaking out. As PTSD is pretty dormant until it breaks out, most people don’t know they have it until then. They only have minimal symptoms and it doesn’t appear too bad. That is why many people have trouble believing they have PTSD and won’t get any help until it broke out and hell broke loose. It is important that we shed as much light as possible on this situation, as the misconception leads to many false assumption and actions. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:40]
I think it is important to clarify what it means to have PTSD, what happens at the breakout, when it happens and why it happens usually. Many people confuse the extreme symptoms of the outbreak as being PTSD. It is not. It is what you want to avoid as much as possible in real life: It is a cold war becoming a hot war - so to speak. But the fighting was going on for a long while - it was just not so overt and loud. You can’t just ignore it anymore, if you ever did. If the trauma happened when you were a child most likely you weren’t even aware that this conflict within you is NOT normal or good. How could you? You never learned it any other way. This is your normal - as wrong as this normal is. Which is why treating this sort of trauma is so much harder - than if you experience it later in life. There are many people who believe they are healed or even cured, just because the symptoms became dormant again. But this just means the breakout was reversed, not that the PTSD is gone. It is just quieter now.
What does it mean to have PTSD? [1:53]
What does it mean to have PTSD? You see PTSD isn’t really the triggers, flashbacks, visions, insomnia and the like. It is about your brain having suffered a trauma it can not overcome. It is that simple. You can have it and walk through your whole life without EVER finding out you have it. Either because your natural way handling it worked so well, the trauma was isolated enough or the like. It is extreme unlikely though. Because usually if your brain finds a trauma to hard to overcome it is usually rather significant and with age… the PTSD grows. Depending on how much you feed it, it does more or less. That is why ignoring it is such a bad idea. Yes you can do it while you are younger, with the symptoms still being relatively mild, but it REALLY bites you in the butt later on. Doesn’t mean it is hopeless later on. But it is definitely easier when you are younger.
What happens during the breakout? [2:54]
Which leads us to the question, what happens during a breakout? Similar to a bone that can withstand a lot of pressure and all, it will break if too much is applied. That is basically what happens at a breakout. Whatever measures the brain took to keep the boxes or trauma contained, failed and chaos ensued. Maybe a better example would be opening the garage door and now it can’t be closed anymore. You stirred the pot and now have to try to calm the situation as soon as possible so you can act in the best way possible. This is not to be confused with being healed or cured. Since this breakout usually comes out of nowhere - it escalates before measurement can be made to reduce the fallout. Therefor the symptoms will escalate quite a bit before they are contained.
When does it usually happen? [3:45]
So, when does it happen? Most of the time - in what I accumulated - in the fifties. Around the time of midlife crisis - maybe it is even connected, but there is no solid information on that end at this time. I don’t know why, but usually then all the accumulated baggage becomes too much. Memories start to resurface, weird dreams were being had and so on. It is unclear why exactly in this age span, but that is the breaking point or starting breaking point when it happens. Or it is the breakout of a trauma thought healed - the second wave so to speak. If it happens in younger ages, then it is usually because of extreme external pressure, a strong trauma, a very strong trigger activated or a new trauma - even if that trauma is not enough to cause a PTSD by itself.
False assumptions and actions [4:42]
Lastly, what does this often lead to? To a few things. One is ignoring the PTSD WAY to soon. Some don’t even get help, because the symptoms “go away” or become weak enough for them to ignore. This is a time bomb just waiting to go off. Others do get help and manage to keep the symptoms down with therapy, pills or whatever, and thinking they are healed and that they can go on with their normal life. But this is also just a time bomb. A placating the beast and thinking this will end well. This misinformation needs to be stopped, as it is a HUGE risk and causes a lot of harm. It is crucial to understand, that you still have PTSD unless the trauma no longer affects you. If you can talk with ease about it - without it causing you issues. Otherwise it is still there and you are NOT cured. That is also the reason why I say I am cured and not healed. As I am free of it, while other just managed to be free of the symptoms.
Outro [5:46]
That was it for todays episode, I have to say this week the heat really gotten to me. I am usually fine with hot weather and the like, but this week it really made working hard. Quick reminder to stay hydrated and take good care of yourself. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time
Episode 63 - Forgiving isn't necessary
In this episode we talk about Forgiveness and why it isn't necessary. Often we hear "you need to forgive to heal" which is not accurate. Let us talk about why and what we can do instead.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about Forgiveness… and why it isn’t needed. I think we all heard that if we want to heal we need to forgive our tormentors or wrongdoers or whatever you want to call them. It doesn’t matter if they are male or female, but for a few reason I stick to him in this episode. Since this is such an important point of healing and in many peoples life - I think it is important that we talk about it.
Prelude [0:34]
Not sure where the narrative, that you need to forgive originated, but I agree with the notion to not cling to your anger and hate. That is really like drinking poison and expect the other one to die. Anger can be turned into fuel to drive yourself forward… be it in becoming more active, going for a goal you didn’t thought you can reach or the like. But that isn’t what is meant when we use the word clinging to it. Do you have the right to be angry? Most likely absolutely. Depending on your case of course. Do you have a good reason to hate? I assume you do. But being right and getting justice are two VERY different things. As most of you - if not all - most likely already figured out. There is no nice way of saying this, but the likelihood that you get justice is minimal. Most likely you will be stuck with the bill. Which usually makes the whole forgive notion even more infuriating. So I can confirm to you: Forgiveness isn’t necessary, but letting go is. So let us get into it.
What is the idea of forgiveness? [1:40]
I feel we should start with what the idea was behind the notion “you need to forgive to heal”, which isn’t actually that far off. People noticed, that if you keep focusing on what happened - it ruined you. You become more miserable and more and more of you disappears to give place to hatred and anger. Similar things go for revenge, a debatable topic, which I think depends on a case by case basis. Because if you cling onto it - the wrongdoer still controls your life. If you do x to spite him, you still doing x because of him. For example, if you throw yourself in the arms of a new partner to show it to your wrongdoer? He is still controlling your life. The same applies if you are still actively hating and trying to do things to him. That still means he is in control of your life. So not following down that rabbit hole is wise.
Forgiveness =/= moving on [2:34]
Though I want to point out, that there is a HUGE difference between forgiving and clinging to your anger. Just because you are at one extreme point doesn’t mean the right way is to go to the other extreme of the spectrum. The more healthy version is to let it go and to move on. Now the important distinction is, that this DOES NOT make it okay what happened. This is not forgive and forget. The charge remains untouched by this. He is still guilty of the crime and does NOT receive a pardon. This is NOT about him. This is about YOU. Your wellbeing is NOT dependent on him. Only on you. Only this way you will be truly free of your wrongdoer. You basically went to the police and filed the report and pressed charges. Now it is no longer in your hands. There is no reason to torment yourself about it. This is not something you truly can control. As said before, most likely you won’t be receiving any form of justice. And letting it go and moving on means, that you accept that there will be no justice, but you live your life free and on your own again.
Justice =/= cured [3:46]
Because let us be honest here, even IF you receive any form of justice, nothing will make what happened better, lighter or disappear. Yes, it will help with the healing process and your faith in humanity and so on. But it won’t make the nightmares about what happened disappear. Nor the triggers nor the memories nor all the side effects that happened. This will remain with you. No matter how much you wish it wouldn’t. This is both good and bad. It is bad because your problems won’t just disappear with an act of justice, but it also good, because it means you can cure yourself even if you receive no justice at all. Which will be most likely the case. The important thing is to remove anything from the wrongdoer in your life - to stop any influence he has on your life. Only then the healing can begin. As otherwise the wound keeps getting poked and poked and just can’t heal. To use a good saying: Kick everyone out of your head, who isn’t paying rent.
My experience [4:47]
Since you know about my story, especially the updated version on my homepage, you might wonder what I did with my tormentors. To makes things short, I did what I described.
They noticed when they tried to rug sweep what happened in the past. I won’t budge and respond accordingly to it. Yes I still have contact with some of them, naturally not the worst offender - my main tormentor. I even treated (as in therapy) some of them - though I REALLY don’t recommend doing that. That is a VERY difficult path to walk on. Yes, my tormentor remains unaffected… sometimes even rewarded for what he did. I still was able to cure myself. And it feels so good to be free of them… like chains with weights being removed one by one. I really only can recommend it.
Outro [5:40]
That was it for todays episode - I hope that you liked it. Please stay safe and drink enough - especially with these warm temperatures at times. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 64 - Episode skip - Loss of family member
Hello my dears.
This year has truly proven to be a challenge on multiple levels. I received recently the news of the loss of the last outer family member of mine I still on good terms with. My grandfather almost 96 years old. I am sure you understand and I am sorry for the inconvenience.
Watch yourselves and take very good care of you.
Johanna
Episode 65 - Can I pause life for a bit?
In this episode we will talk about just wanting a break from life - you know a pause button.
This doesn't just applies for PTSD. Sometimes in life it would just be wonderful to have a button to pause it.
We will talk about why we feel this way and what we can do.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about just wanting a break from life - you know a pause button. I am sure all of you have felt this way - especially when things got out of hand. Many people don’t talk about that, but it is actually a pretty big part of our reality - even without PTSD. It can be a tremendous burden, which is why I wanted to talk about it.
Prelude [0:32]
There are just moments where the string of events just doesn’t seem to stop. Or sometimes you are stuck in so many waiting lists that it becomes incredible tiring. Or stuck in a situation where there seems no way out. Sometimes everything is just… bad. There is no way to sugarcoat it. I mean one can try, but it usually just sounds hollow. That just how life is at times. Sometimes for quite some time. Other times it just seems like everyone is running and you are falling behind - sometimes the world itself seems to be moving too fast. So many things happen after another - and you just can’t seem to catch up. How nice would it be to have a button, that would just pause life. Just to give you a little break. You get to just lay back a bit. Figure things out. Rest a bit. Life can wait for a while. You be back at it soon. You just don’t want to loose any more time and fall behind even more. It sucks not to be able to move forward as fast as you would like to do. So first we talk about how we feel and then what we can do.
The feeling of getting left behind [1:53]
Why do we need the pause? Because you need that additional time and you seem to get left behind - and that is a horrible feeling. But no matter what you do - you can’t keep up. You just can’t keep up with everyone else. Be it because you keep getting delayed by surprises in your life or because of setbacks or life just being life. It becomes usually more apparent during other peoples milestones - and you realizing you’re still stuck on it. The reason for that is a rather obvious one: PTSD is forcing you to live life on a different pace than everyone else - a slower pace. Things like chores, bills, appointments and the like are now quite a challenge. They shouldn’t be - but they are and that just delays everything a tiny bit more. It is frustrating and unfair - as if we hadn’t to deal with enough anyway. We don’t want to loose everyone - we don’t want to fall behind. That is our primal instinct speaking - we don’t want to loose our group. The good news is: You no longer get left for dead if you can’t keep up with the others - at least in civilized nations. You are safe - mostly. Yes - it sucks. Yes - you will loose out on a lot. Yes - it is unfair. Yes - you don’t deserve that. But here is the thing - ‘survival is never pretty’. This isn’t about being nice, fair or the like. This is about surviving.
What can we do? [3:40]
Well, so what can we do? As usual, not as much as we want to. The most important thing is to accept that your pace is now a different one or always was. It is unwise to fight against it - because that just exhaust you. I really learned - and believe me I regularly try to prove the opposite - that the more you accept that is just the way it is and try to relax as much as possible and go by that pace - the faster you move forward. I know it sounds paradox, but sadly it is really the case. It truly is better to walk slower - but constantly and securely - than trying another pace and keep falling flat one your face. Sometimes that means taking a break - despite of the workload we know is piling up further. Sadly that is something we can not change. All we can do is our best and try to avoid deadline issues that can arise. Because that is the other thing we can do - to sadly accept that we just can’t really do anything at the moment. That is very difficult - I know that. I really do. It is just we don’t really have a choice in this. We are bound to our situation… sometimes that means we accept a loss, but that means we stay in the game and can become free of this nightmare - and that is the most important thing - by far. Obstacles like this belong to the journey. As long we keep on going, no matter how slow, we are still on the right path. And that means we get there… eventually.
Outro [5:26]
That was it for todays episode. I hope you all are doing alright and that you are safe. Take very good care of yourselves and if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 66 - Got my Diagnosis - Now what? (First steps)
In this episode we will talk about something quite overdue: What do I do after I got my diagnosis? What am I supposed to do now? There isn’t really an instruction manual for that. The only thing most people know is that they need therapy - which is usually pretty hard to get. So here are the first steps that can help you tremendously you should do after you have gotten the diagnosis.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something quite overdue: What do I do after I got my diagnosis? What am I supposed to do now? There isn’t really an instruction manual for that. Many just know they need therapy. After receiving the diagnosis many are left clueless what to do next, which leaves them vulnerable and confused, which is why I wanted talk about it.
Prelude [0:35]
I have to admit I kinda jumped over this point, because it was an non-issue for me. I knew what I had to do. Though I ran immediately into the problem that most people run into: I couldn’t get into therapy. Even though I had the advantage that I knew what was wrong and what I needed - I didn’t get any. I was long term - therefor I didn’t get a spot. I kept contacting centers until I contacted the university clinic. They agreed, if I allowed a student to therapy me. Which was fine with me, as I knew I was quite knowledgeable and just needed pointers. Which she provided. Sadly most aren’t as lucky as I was. It is hard to find someone who truly knows what to do with severe trauma. Which leaves many just out of the loop and not knowing where to turn to. Doing nothing or worse fall prey to predators. I was surprised why my episode “PTSD and its symptoms” was in such high demand - until I realized how bigger this problem was than I thought. Which changed my perspective - and plans - entirely. So let us get into the first steps.
Clear Schedule [1:47]
The first and most important step is to clear your schedule. Check everything you do and check if you REALLY have to do it. I mean EVERYTHING. There is a lot of things we do because we do them. We had so far no reason to stop doing them - but now you received a serious diagnosis - so it is now time to pull the ripcord. Now is the time for pragmatism. The faster you do that - the faster you get a good footing. Of course you are not supposed to kick out everything that isn’t essential like eating or sleeping. It IS important to have moments of joy and success moments. But first we must clear our schedule from anything that we don’t need to survive… and then check those things IF we need to do them or so often or if we can do something more effective instead or the like. It is very helpful to make a list of the non-survival things and rank them in their value and how much you need them. If possible use it to combine or find better alternatives. It is crucial to free the schedule as much as you can.
Get Energy [2:57]
The clearing the schedule serves multiple purposes. One of them is to get energy. You are most likely running on your last reserves and you need all the energy you can get. Even if you are still in a good spot. It WILL get worse. The healing process is enormously energy consuming - so the more you have the better you heal. And getting energy while you are healing is a difficult process - so it is better not to rely on it. Energy will be your most important factor to manage - as it is the factor that decided success, speed and smoothness of the healing process. And it will be your safety cushion in case something goes bad. You need to free up as much as you can so you have as much of it as possible at your disposal. As soon as your brain has enough energy it will start the healing process and try to tackle the issue. See the energy as your troops, any knowledge you gain regarding the topic is their Intel and the more energy - the better they are equipped. So the more energy, the more likely the success and the smoother it will be.
Cut out potential threats [4:04]
Second step is to cut out all potential threats - at least for now. It is unwise to keep ignoring your triggers and the like, but at the start - when you have no idea what is going on - it is better to cut them out of your life. That can be people, media, books, areas, cars - anything really. Regarding people I just want to say: Just because you cut them out for now, doesn’t mean you can’t rekindle or continue your relationship with them. It is important to create a safe zone - as in a zone where you are safe from threats - and the like - to your mental health. It is important to note that this zone is meant as TEMPORARY shelter. If you try to stay in the safe zone it will get over time smaller and smaller. This place is meant to catch your breath before you go at it again. This is just to counter your strong vulnerability due to this illness.
Get Help [5:00]
Last - but not least - step is to get help. That doesn’t just refers to professional help. This can be a chat group you regularly in or a gaming group you play with … anything really that helps your situation. Getting help is a great thing - I know for many this will hardly be their reality - but see if there isn’t a way you can get help besides a therapist. Be it books, groups, self-help-whatever or the like. Every bit that helps is a good thing - but be careful that there aren’t any strings attached. You belong now to a vulnerable target group - which means you are getting preyed upon. So be very careful. Good friends are always a wonderful thing, but especially now they can be invaluable. Otherwise I can only recommend pets. Careful though with accepting help that has an unknown price. The vulnerable and desperate ones have always been the main target for vultures. Be careful, watch yourselves and take very good care of yourself.
Outro [6:07]
That was it for todays episode. Hope you are all are safe and well. As usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 67 - Subconsciousness - the key to everything
In this episode we will talk about something very crucial: The subconsciousness. Why is it so important? Why is communication with it so hard? We will dive shortly in why I use subconsciousness and not unconsciousness.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the subconsciousness - which is the key to everything - at least PTSD healing wise related. Though you can also use it to gain unbelievable control over your body. As shown by Shaolin monks for example - but that is not my field of expertise. We talk about the main key to remove triggers, find hidden ones, deal with trauma, find it and so on. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:36]
Like with most psychological terms - and psychology itself - a lot of people have difficulty grasping it - as it has no real physical counter part. It is more like something is described to the person and the source is “trust me”. That is usually why I try to find real life examples of what is going on - with varying level of success. The other problem is, that psychology is quite a young field, and there a lot of gaps or wrong perceptions and the like. Studying something, that you can’t see and need to rely on other person information what they feel or see - is just bound to have a lot of issues. But what is the subconsciousness? Processes that you don’t directly control. In an example you would be the manager/boss and your subconsciousness is your personal assistant. The personal assistant will take care of the worker aka your subroutines - unless you take direct control. It will take care of anything you don’t really need to care about - be it breathing, hormone regulation, emotions, muscles and the like. It also translates what you want to do to your subroutines aka workers. So that is one hell of a personal assistant, who naturally doesn’t get remotely the recognition it deserves, who basically runs the show.
Subconsciousness vs unconsciousness [2:01]
Before we start I want to clear up why I am using the word subconsciousness and not unconsciousness. First, because the word has the other meaning of “knocked out” and that irritates me to no end. But secondly, and more importantly, because of the meaning of the words. You see there is a debate going on for literal decades which of those two words should be used. To make it short: Subconsciousness means you can access/influence/etc it - directly or indirectly. For example you can influence your emotions, but you don’t have full control over them or know why you feel that way. The word unconsciousness means you not access/influence/etc it. It refers to processes so deep in your brain that you have no way of interacting with it in any way or shape. The debate mentioned before is about how much of our brain is subconscious and how much unconscious. An answer will most likely not be found in the next decades, which is why I ignore this sort of thing usually. But after looking a lot into it - I also no longer believe that there is a process we CAN’T access/influence/etc - even if it might takes ages to accomplish it. Therefor I use the word subconsciousness.
Different languages (Example) [3:19]
You see, the part that our brain that uses language and we use to control ourselves - is actually only a small part of the brain. Only we use words, sentences, names, etc. The other parts of the brain use something else. It is like you are on the bridge of a ship. Now to continue this example, let us say you speak English, but everyone else on the ship speaks Spanish. No one speaks a word of the other language. Which is usually not a problem, because everyone knows what their job is and they are usually quite good at it. The problems arise, when the ship runs into any form of trouble - or things just don’t go as intended. Suddenly the well oiled machine can completely come to a stand still or just get slower. It depends on what is happening. Even if not understood, the bridge angrily shouting at a section usually gets the message across. But what happens if something truly big is happening? Affecting multiple sections? A severe hit? Sabotage? What do you do then? How can you communicate and get the ship back on track? There is only one way: You need to learn to imitate Spanish or at least be able to signal the sections what to do.
Different form of communication [4:41]
So now you might ask, for what sort of communication did I use Spanish in our example? Well it kind of depends on the section we are talking about - the deeper we go - the more abstract the communication becomes. But that is often not necessary. They usually communicate via metaphors, emotions, sounds, pictures, gestures, “video”, objects and the like. One must remember that our brains developed over time. It isn’t one thing like a piece of chocolate. Our brain is a bit like layered cake or your laundry. Different segments that were made under different circumstances that are fulfilling different tasks. The brain segment you are in control of is the most advanced part - to simplify it. That means you can learn the other methods of communicating, but they can’t really learn yours. It takes a bit of time to learn the other ways of communication, but once you did - it will not go away. This will open quite a few doors and most importantly will give you important information regarding your PTSD.
Outro [5:47]
That was it for todays episode. I plan to go next week into why the subconsciousness is so crucial and how we can use it. We will see. Otherwise I really hope you are safe and take good care of yourself. As usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 68 - Episode skip dog (II)
Hello my dears,
I really, really had hoped I could avoid it this time. I even postponed the episode by a day in hope of this - but it is just too much.
The situation with my dog is coming now truly to an end. I spare you the details, but it is a horrendous situation that will end horribly either way. The only good news is, that it will be over in the next days - one way or another. After that I should also be finally more active again. It has been a very long fight and struggle.
I am sorry for the inconveniences that causes you. Hope you are well and safe. Take care and watch yourself
Johanna
Episode 69 - What kind of life is worth living?
In this episode we talk about what kind of life is worth living, as this question usually comes up during the PTSD period. We are comparing the argument "Surviving - Life is precious on its own" and "Living - Life needs to be worth living" and at the end have some final words about it. I think it is an important topic to talk about, despite being quite ab it of taboo. It is a question we need an answer for - for ourselves.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a topic, that is something we think in our position quite regularly: What life is worth living? What kind of life is worth fighting for? This was also recently talked about in the general population more often, but it is sadly still kind of taboo. Despite it being a quite important and central question, so let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:32]
Recent development in my life has made this question the central point of my life once again, so I saw this as a good opportunity to talk about this topic. I remember well when I had this debate the first time with myself. It was during the heights - or depths - of my PTSD, when life was nothing than pure agony and literal hell. I heard the sentences “life is so wonderful” and “just take a look around and appreciate life” while I was in pure agony. There was just this huge disconnect between my reality and those statements. Considering it all, those statements almost felt like mockery and sometimes made me honestly quite angry. Wonderful that life is so nice to you right now, but for me this is not the truth. And telling people like me to just look at the nice things, won’t take the agony away… let alone the problems. Which lead me to the question of this episode, starting with “Is this life worth living?” and the answer was “no”, but it was a more “no - not yet”, as I was despite it all still very hopeful in getting better. I continued and separated the two sides into “surviving” and “living”, as I felt like that was the best way to differentiate between those two. So let us now go into both sides of the argument.
Surviving - Life is precious on its own [2:03]
The first side isn’t mine, but I try to give you nonetheless the full argument. The side that says, that life is precious on its own and therefor automatically worth living, no matter how much you suffer. I call it “surviving”. It means you are basically staying alive, but not truly able to live or truly enjoy it, as you suffer through pain, strong limitations - like not to be able to do normal everyday tasks like open a door, being trapped and the like. You basically just barely scrap by to make it to the next day, unable to grow or do things beyond you daily routine. This is surviving. You can’t thrive, but you live. Life is worth living no matter the cost. I find people who claim that this sort of life is wonderful and worth living, are usually the ones that haven’t truly been in that situation or are untested. There are always exceptions naturally. Of course life hasn’t to be nice all the time, but for me surviving or living in great pain is not a life worth living. One should be able to truly enjoy things. But if you feel like it is enough, then good for you.
Living - Life needs to be worth living [3:19]
The other side is mine, as I mentioned before: I want to live, not just survive, I want to be able to be happy and enjoy things. You should be able to be yourself. Being in constant pain doesn’t let you be yourself. Neither does always be in fear, stress or the like. That just wears you out and you are not truly yourself. Once you weren’t able to allowed to be yourself, you truly learn to appreciate to be just yourself - in my experience. The feeling of loosing who you are is a horrible one, that I wish upon no one. The first time I broke out of the PTSD and saw the beauty of life for the first time - one of my biggest fears was to get PTSD again. It took me a while to get over that notion, but I truly NEVER want to be back there again. You are just left with so little while being seriously sick and just surviving isn’t worth it in my opinion - on the long run of course. In my opinion going through decades of pain is worth it if it means getting many more decades of a life that is wonderful. That is beautiful. That makes you happy. That has a great quality of life. A life worth living.
Closing words [4:41]
Of course this topic needs more in depths arguments and debated a lot - as it not an easy topic and everyone should form their own opinion about it. I also want to reiterate, that PTSD is curable, no matter what it tells you. And that depression doesn’t let you realistically evaluate your life and takes EVERY BIT of joy away from you. I strongly discourage suicide, as I do strongly believe that life is precious and should be protected and cherished. But I also believe at some point we should ask outselves that just because someone can keep walking, if they should. Though that question should be asked for each individual again and depends STRONGLY on the situation. It is better to ask yourself these questions before the situation arrives, if you can that is. This will never be an easy question, which is why it is so important we deal with it early on. This way we are prepared and can handle it better and are able to make better, more decisive, decisions that might make the difference. Though I hope you won’t have to in your life.
Outro [6:00]
That was it for todays episode. I hoped you enjoyed it despite the rather uncomfortable topic. Please stay safe and take very good care of yourself. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 70 - Why am I getting so much backlash?
In this episode we talk about the backlash we receive from our Surrounding / Social circle and society while we are on our healing path.
This has a lot to do with change and we get into why.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. I hope my voice sounds alright, still recovering at the moment, but I hope it is all alright. In this episode we will talk about the very frustrating and hurtful question “Why am I getting so much backlash?” This question is about all the backlash and the stones in your path you are getting for it. Which seems quite counter intuitive, as you are doing it to improve yourself. Which your surrounding should be all in favor for - yet somehow you get backlash. We are trying to find some answers to it, with some explanations to this frustrating experience. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:48]
You would think that you getting better would also be reflected accordingly by your surrounding. But it doesn’t matter if you loose a lot of weight or do a makeover or anything really that significantly changes who you are. You will suddenly get backlash from sides you might never thought possible. Sometimes it is even from people who are in your own shoes or where you were just a while ago. That might be rejection on their part, so they don’t have to ask themselves why you can do it, but not them. But that doesn’t explain why it comes from people, who have no stake in what you are changing. On contrary they most likely benefit from your improvement, yet there is backlash. This seems completely counter intuitive - until you understand how we work as social beings. It doesn’t seem to make any sense. But just because it appears that way doesn’t mean we can’t give an explanation for it. So first I will give an explanation why your surrounding respond this way and then the society as a whole.
Surrounding / Social circle [1:57]
The most frustrating backlash is surely from your own surrounding or social circle. Of course we are not talking about anyone willfully wanting to harm your healing journey, but they can be incredible frustrating. Most likely they are doing it subconsciously. We have a certain role in our social circle, workplace and the like. To keep the group working we all need to stick to our roles or who we are for the group. As soon someone changes - it changes the whole dynamic of the group. It depends of course how much you deviate from your earlier version for this group. Despite great changes for yourself - it can mean nothing to the group. It completely depends on which way you change. But if you change significantly to the group, that means the group dynamic has to change - either by rearranging around the new role or rearranging with you missing. This change usually feels threatening and uncomfortable for the other members, therefor they try to push you back to your old role. This of course also applies to family dynamics - even if the family is neutral to the topic. But as we have established in episodes before: Our brain HATES changes, even if the change is good. Therefor you will be fought for it. Even if that pushes you back to an unhealthy place for you.
Society [3:27]
The backlash from society is to some part the same one as the one before. Most of the times, when the victims speaks out against common held truths and believes. For the same reason basically as mentioned before. As soon as you change the status quo or someone feels like you could, you will automatically receive backlash. That is also the reason why any movement in the past had to struggle so much to significantly change something. All because our brains hate change so much and see it as a threat to our survival. There is sadly another effect taking place: You are now swimming against the tide. Life in society is generally a LOT easier if you can just go with the flow. That is no longer happening when you are severely affected by any illness really. This means you are now off the beaten path. This mean you automatically face more resistance… even more if society doesn’t really want you get help in your current position. You belong now to the group of the outsiders… even if you are in midst of society. Like the handicapped and similar groups. But rest assured, as soon as you return to the flow of everything - it will be all forgotten and you can go with the flow again as before.
Outro [4:52]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you enjoyed it. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 71 - 2 potential big problems with support groups
In this episode we talk about 2 big problems with support groups: Reaffirming victim hood and hidden agendas. They can lead to your support group being depremental to your health and hinder your healing journey. That is why it is important we talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about support groups, they can be incredible helpful or extremely damaging… and pretty much everything in between - as usual. We are talking about support groups that can be just a group you chat with on the Internet or lead by a professional or the like. These groups can tremendously affect your health and wellbeing - so let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:37]
In an ideal world, all support groups would be benefiting the ones seeking help - with no other agendas or problems. But sadly even if there are good intentions, that doesn’t mean it will lead to something good. The purpose of a support group is to help you through your problem - be it by exchanging information, getting other perspectives, feeling validated, getting support, socializing and the like. A good group helps you move forward and getting better. Others will just keep your status as it is and others again will worsen your state - and I am afraid there is no register to look up which group is which. This episode is also about validating you in case you are having doubts, but maybe you are unsure if it is you or the group. Most people don’t feel confident enough to argue with others regarding mental health issues. So one thing right ahead: If you are feeling like the group doesn’t help you forward - it is okay you feel that way. It might be wise to change groups - if that is an option. That doesn’t have to mean that the group is bad itself - sometimes it just doesn’t work out. We are only humans after all. But there are 2 big problems with the support groups: Reaffirming victim hood and hidden agendas.
Reaffirming victim hood [2:04]
What do I mean by reaffirming victim hood? This happens when the group just reaffirms that everything is bad and will kill any form of progress or those who try to get better. Sort of a crabs in bucket effect - maybe subconscious. Yes, you should talk about having bad times and your pain and everything - but you also should talk about the little successes you had and receive positive feedback. Generally speaking of course - every group has off days. The perfect example of this was for me in a report of victims of the love parade disaster - a few years later. It was great tragedy and left the people with PTSD and the like. Unsurprisingly. Most of those interviewed moved on. They were either slowly returning back to normal life - while other were significant far ahead on their healing journey. Except for one couple. Both witnessed the disaster and were still in the same state as they were at the start. Both reiterating and reaffirming, how horrible it was and that is was completely normal that no one could move forward from this. This could also be referred to as a self destructive self fulfilling prophecy. Sadly quite a common problem, were people beat themselves up and hinder their own healing… or sometimes even leading to a successful self destruction. This is truly not a group or social circle one should stay in.
Hidden agenda [3:39]
The other problem of hidden agenda is - as far as I know - mostly affected by lead groups. We talked about it before, it is sadly a fact, that those desperate and/or sick are most prone to abuse, scams and the like. And there is so far no limit how low these people are willing to go. Therefor it shouldn’t come as a surprise, that the support groups are also affected by them. There are the more obvious ones: Like sale pitches for example. Then there are the semi obvious ones, where they belong to a group with an agenda and then the hidden ones, where you are slowly lead to a path to join the group, cult or whatever. It doesn’t have to be a cult or group he wants you to join, sometimes he just wants you to share his mind set. Either way, he is putting his own wants and desire above those who he is supposed to support. As a rule of thumb: The group leader should be as neutral as possible. Neither his religion, political orientation, preferred products, etc should be relevant or affecting his behavior. At least on a regular basis. So if you feel like you have to change or behave in a certain way to keep getting access to the group - then this is a clear warning sign. You don’t have to take any substance or join any religion or whatever to become cured.
Outro [5:07]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode
In this episode we talk about a topic I keep running into - especially with men: Why can’t I change my emotions with logic?
Despite logic being a useful tool to keep emotions in check and use them responsible as an adult - it isn't helpful in dealing with the source of our emotions. We talk about the difference between logic and emotions - and how we change the latter.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a topic I keep running into - especially with men: Why can’t I change my emotions with logic? I mean I know the whole situation, I use logic all the time, why doesn’t it just work? This is a strong misconception and leads to many people ending up in a dead end in their healing path. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:30]
Many adults learned to handle their emotions with logic - for good reasons. While using our higher brain abilities to control the primal ones - we can tame, control and direct our emotions and the energy coming with them. There is a good reason why meditating is so helpful, as are these techniques used in advanced training in the military. But there is a big difference between our emotions and where those emotions are coming from. You might feel angry, scared, restless, sad, emotional and the like, but that isn’t the source. This is just the echo… or the noise of what is really going on. That is also why we can’t make it stop - only maybe pause for a bit. We can try to just push the emotions away or try to redirect them, but if we don’t get to the source of the emotions, we are fighting a lost cause. Though the main problem is really finding that source. It is like finding a hole in a water pipe, there is water flooding everywhere - the whole scenario is pure chaos - the water keeps pushing you away and the hole is barely visible. It is just frustrating and chaotic. Which is the complete opposite of the logical way of finding the source.
Difference between logic and emotions [1:49]
There is a HUGE difference between changing a logical standpoint and an emotional one. Your logical standpoints are like text files, if your brain finds more accurate information - it will just overwrite what was written before. Depending on the topic, the importance of it and its size - this will take more or less time and evidence. But generally speaking, as long there is no emotions involved - it is easily changed. For example the name of the place you work at. Emotions on the other hand are always more like clusters. Emotions are a ball of interconnected strings of thoughts who are interwoven with feelings. So unlike logic - they are 3 dimensional instead of just 2 dimensional. Which means you can not just throw them out and replace them with the new emotions. The emotions are too complex for that. You have to actively change the shape of the emotion that is false into a correct one. You could say that you have to erase many logical statements that are connected to another and influence one another. This is why emotions are so much harder to change than logical thoughts in your head. A factual argument won’t change the emotion - it requires work and perspective form many different angles.
How to reshape emotions [3:13]
So how do we reshape those emotions? By approaching it again and again and again - until it is where we want it to be. Think about it like a lump of clay. For this example you want to turn a cube into a ball. Now you can’t just reshape it, as the clay is hard. So every time you get a new revelation regarding this topic - it will soften the clay for a tiny while - in which you can reshape it just a bit. The same revelation won’t work twice. This is a long and active process. This is not something you will handle just subconsciously - you will need to keep actively picking up aspect after aspect of this topic - until it changes into the correct form. As you might suspect now, this is how our relationships and feelings change over time. Little moments and experiences and revelations change things bit by bit until it takes a new form. It also just matters how one feels - as emotions are pretty indifferent to facts. One can use facts to pin down what happened and why you might feel how, but you won’t change feelings or emotions with facts. So you have to use empathy on yourself to feel out how you feel and interact with those emotions to change them. Which is especially difficult for men, who were taught not to show or interact with emotions. Especially in a healthy way. It might be important on another point to talk how to be empathic with yourself. For now, it is important to know you can only change emotions by working them over and over again.
Outro [5:06]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 73 - Episode skip - Health reasons
Hello my dears,
I REALLY tried to avoid this, but there is no way around this sadly. I am sorry, I should have recorded it earlier - but as mentioned I am VERY stubborn and refused. I am very sick, the seasonal flu, kept me basically in bed the last weeks - I was actually surprised I could record last weeks episode. It is caused by the situation I am in and I hate every minute of it, but I rather give myself a bit more rest than to push too early. So, I hope to see you soon and please stay well, safe and healthy. Take care and watch yourself
Johanna
Episode 74 - Raised to be a victim
In this episode we tak about being raised to be a victim - it doesn’t really matter if it is intentional or not. (Not grooming) Many people wonder why they are prone to fall for predators or why they have such a hard time to stand up for themselves or why they are just such a doormat or the like. This leads often to feeling of strong insecurity, vulnerability and so on. Many don’t really know why they are like that. So it is important we talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about being raised to be a victim - it doesn’t really matter if it is intentional or not. Also I am not referring to grooming, that is another topic for another time. Many people wonder why they are prone to fall for predators or why they have such a hard time to stand up for themselves or why they are just such a doormat or the like. This leads often to feeling of strong insecurity, vulnerability and so on. Many don’t really know why they are like that. So it is important we talk about it.
Prelude [0:45]
I have come now to the point in my life where people are commenting on how good I am in standing up for myself and how they never could do that. Which is a very weird feeling, as just a few years ago I said the same things. You really don’t really notice how much you changed until in moments like these. I had of course time in the meantime to find out what the reason for that behavior is and how to rewrite yourself - so to speak. I mean there is the obvious “If you even look the wrong way you will feel pain” feedback I received from the physical abuse I suffered - but that fell on fertile ground and therefor became more solid and ingrained in me. It made this sort of behavior WAY stronger, but did not create it. That happened via a different instance - my teachings as a child. Which ironically many receive - some intentional, some unintentional, some subconsciously. This if of course a HUGE topic I could - without a doubt - talk about for hours. So this episode we focus on what teaching makes you the prime target to be a victim to bullying, abusers, narcissists and the like.
Looking out for anyone but yourself [2:03]
That would be the notion, that if you take care for everyone else around you, then life will take good care of you. Spoiler Alert: No it doesn’t. All it teaches you is to give the responsibility of your life to anyone but you. I am not saying go for the opposite by tackling grandma because she has the last slice you wanted, but it is important to take care of yourself. That is YOUR responsibility - not of anyone else. Yours alone. The problem is - that is uncomfortable for your surrounding. For your parents as much as for anyone else. So you will receive negative feedback for that, but that only truly works if you receive it as a child. This is rarely ever said out loud - children don’t need to be said things. They are VERY good at picking up cues and feedback from adults. Their life literally depends on it. So a light frown of an eyebrow is enough. Really. Yes, we need to encourage children to share, empathize and play good with others, but it is also important to teach them that their needs matter. Especially over other people wants, which is often the want the child to obey. We learn as children what is normal, this includes - of course - which behavior is normal and which behavior to us is normal. We rarely get to correct our normal meter in later life - where would one do that?
No responsibility about own life [3:39]
The side effect of giving the responsibility of your life to everyone but you, is - you learn not to make choices for yourself. Ever felt overwhelmed when having to face a career path? Issues saying what you REALLY want? If you set your life up to just respond to everyone else around you - you don’t learn to make choices for yourself, but only how to pick between the options that other people are giving to you. This also makes you constantly rely on the feedback of those around you - this can be confirmation that you are doing the right thing, that something you created was good, your political opinion is right and so on. But most importantly is the feedback that you are a valued person. This leads often to not daring to rock the boat, say no, make other people unhappy, feeling useless and/or the like. This is also one of the factors for your own voice not mattering - but I plan to get into that another time. The good news you can learn making choices and responsibility and all that - but it WILL take time and practice.
To reiterate [4:47]
So to reiterate: You have rights. Your rights end where mine begin and mine end where yours begin. My wants don’t out weight your needs. Maintaining those rights is not bad - it is your basic human right. If you were taught the mentioned before - you learned that your needs aren’t important and your primarily function is to take care of other peoples needs. That is a form of child abuse - this only on a side note. It is not the job of a child to take care of the needs of those around her - neither truly as an adult either. If you feel like only when you are helping others you serve your function in life - it might be worth checking it out. You might not have been taught this on purpose - this is often a cycle that gets repeated endlessly, because the parents don’t check their own teachings properly. Those who value you - also value your wellbeing. Those who do not value your feelings and wellbeing tend to not value you as a person. You deserve to be valued - your emotions, wellbeing, opinion and the like. And you can change and unlearn things - with time.
Outro [6:07]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. I just wanted to inform you, that my dog finally is no longer suffering - I am glad he can finally rest in peace. I - as always - hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 75 - Are you healed yet?
In this episode we will talk about a question “Are you healed yet?” - or the many variations of it. This of course leads often to us asking “Why am I not healed yet?” - which is destructive and harmful. I know how frustrating this topic is - so let us talk about it and put things a bit into perspective.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a question we receive a lot - be it said out loud or asked indirectly - “Are you healed yet?” even if it not asked with these words necessarily. This of course leads often to us asking “Why am I not healed yet?” - which is destructive and harmful. I know how frustrating this topic is - so let us talk about it and put things a bit into perspective.
Prelude [0:34]
There is definitely an undeniable parallel to “Are we there yet?” and those questions are very similar… as is their answer: “We are there, when we are there - asking won’t speed up the process, rather the opposite”. But it isn’t like only the others are asking - we ask it ourselves, because this whole situation just sucks and we can’t wait to leave it all behind us and focus on the more fun things in life. Heck, anything else really. Since we are now on the same page and this topic has a more… wide range at the moment - it might be a good moment to pick it up. Partly to share our frustration and of course to frame the whole thing. It can be incredible helpful if somebody put in words what you feel… especially if you get asked this question frequently. Or just for yourself who might have been wondering why.
Lack of recognition how hard healing is and how painful [1:30]
First let us talk about the lack of recognition how hard the healing process is. It is EXHAUSTING. I prefer working and… about most things compared to it. But people acted like I rested enough and should be now well recovered. On the contrary - I needed some time to refill my batteries, so to speak. And working was way less exhausting - my energies weren’t drained before the day started, I could enjoy things and work ends. WAY better deal. The healing process is similar to a strong workout schedule - just in your brain instead of your muscles. Our brain is a huge energy consumer. Similar to an extremely advanced computer. Also the reason why we often have the strong desire for sugar while doing studying or the like. The problem is: Since it happens in our brain - we can’t really see it. Which means we can’t see what happens or the progress. It is like being in a middle of a crowd and asked what the crowd is up to. In the crowd it is hard to get an overview of the process - unlike when you see it from an outside perspective. Unless, of course, we talk about the mood. The other thing is that people often COMPLETELY underestimate how painful the process is. Similar to working out again - you are re sculpting yourself - which mentally means a lot of discomfort and pain. Most likely one of the reason why it is so hard and exhausting. Dealing with those old wounds and traumas… can be so painful it completely consumes you. People can’t imagine it - unless they went through it themselves.
Complete underestimation of the damage and how long it takes [3:18]
Then there is the complete underestimation of how big the damage of a trauma is and how long it takes to recover from it. I am guilty of the latter in particular - I greatly underestimated how long it would take. It is in general hard for people to grasp something that they can’t see or interact with. Therefor most people underestimate how deep the damage goes and how long it takes to recover. It doesn’t help that it varies on factors we often can’t control and measure - and there are no real milestones. It is like asking someone to define water temperature with just their hand. Gradually that is VERY difficult. All of this can be extremely frustrating and punishing for no good reason. Your feelings are valid. Your feelings of being frustrated, hurt, impatient and the like. There is a good reason for them. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. We hopefully one day can view and measure psychological damage, but that is a bit ahead. So the best recommendation for you is to grab a beer, tea or whatever beverage you prefer and just sit down and relax.This is going to be a long ride - so be careful with your energy and time and be sure to treat yourself - you are doing an exhausting workout and pushing yourself too much just leads to exhaustion. Keep calm and keep going.
Outro [4:51]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 76 - Was I tortured?
In this episode we will talk about torture - which doesn't just affects people in prison of unjust regimes. In this instance we talk about what defines torture and if what happened to you does so too. Which is not unlikely. It is a topic with many myths and taboos - so it is important we talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about torture - in this instance we talk about what defines torture and if what happened to you does so too. Which doesn’t mean only what many people think. I also will refer to this as PTS - the post torture syndrome - as this differs significantly enough from PTSD to be referred to by something else. Despite the official declaration having it under PTSD. Of course this is just the first chapter of many about this topic - but it is the most severe version/variant of PTSD and it is a huge taboo, so it is important we talk about it.
Prelude [0:47]
This episode was supposed to be the 7th episode of this podcast, which now became the 76th one. There is a good reason why I hadn’t handled this topic earlier. This topic truly is a category of its own. It clearly leaves its mark. And not only in the torture chambers of unjust regimes. Unlike PTSD which could be described more of a trauma wound from the impact of a beating - PTS is really more like a knife wound. Sure also cure able - but a lot harder. It is the one I had to chew on the longest - long past when I freely could talk about my other C-PTSD experiences or handled new ones within a few months, but the torture I still feel pretty deeply in my bones. There are so many myths and taboos surrounding this topic, that I thought the best way is to first to get everyone on the same page and define torture and what all falls under this umbrella. It is a huge topic. We are first going on what defines torture, then what makes it psychologically so damaging and then the different environments of torture.
What defines torture [1:54]
So what defines torture? The official description - that doesn’t span a catalog - is “the act of deliberately inflicting severe physical or psychological suffering on someone by another” for specific reasons, which I removed. I also want to add that I completely removed sex torture and anything in that direction, because that would go beyond this episode and is a topic on and of itself. There are many organizations and governments who define it as torture if it is carried out by an official or by the order of one. Which is complete nonsense in my eyes - this doesn’t just happens by officials. I wish it did as it would mean way less of it happening. It doesn’t matter if it’s done by the government or the one you love - if the following criteria are met it is torture. Officially ordered or not.
1. It is intentional. This doesn’t require a lot of explanation. The intention is clear to carry this act out. It is not harm by accident.
2. The point is the (severe) suffering. While getting beaten has the side effect of you suffering - in torture it is the main goal. Be is physical or psychological.
3. You get used to serve THEIR goal. Be that goal be information, set an example, experimenting, entertainment… whatever. You are reduced to a tool to archive those goals.
What makes it psychologically so damaging [3:27]
And I want to add 4 points that make it psychologically so damaging.
4. You can’t escape. That can be literal because you are locked in a cell or wherever - or because you have been trained to think you can’t - or if you can’t realistically despite the door being unlocked. You can’t escape it.
5. At their mercy. Similar to the point before, but differs that they can do whatever they want with you. There are no limits unless they or their boss want them to.
6. They take away “you”. Most likely you didn’t know before that “you” could be taken away. Torture robs you of the rights you never knew you had until they get taken away from you.
7. That they could do it. Most people struggle the most with the thought that another human being - usually capable of empathy - is capable of doing this to them. It is even worse if it is someone they love.
Different environments of torture [4:35]
There are 3 main environments of torture for me - family or family circle, relationship and strangers - be it being captured by an enemy, a lone wolf or whoever. At least for now. As much as the first two are pretty alike - the family one most of the time happens if you are a child or at least a minor. Not that is magically stops afterwards, but before you become an adult it is hard for you to escape. But for the more skilled abusers - the control over their adult children is still there - sometimes even to a cult like level. For the relationship one it is usually the partner - as the classic abusive relationships. Often it is done with support of other people - as controlling the partner on their own can be difficult. This control can happen via psychological or physical measures - the size or other factors are pretty irrelevant. The stranger category is clearly the largest and most well known. The environment varies from a temporary location up to state prison - and its implications. We surely get into this in the future.
Outro [5:55]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well and as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 77 - Why is it so hard at the beginning?
In this short episode we get into why the beginning is so hard - be it taking the first step or the uphill battle - and how we go from here.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk briefly about the hardest part of the healing journey - the beginning. The phase were we decide to finally face the illness and work against it. That can be quite frustrating at times - so let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:26]
Taking the first step is truly the hardest. Especially if that step seems to land nowhere. Did you make the first step? Or did you just move without getting anywhere? Or did you not move at all? The confusion and lack of evidence is really unhelpful. But that is part of the course - the confusion, the lack of direction, the misguidance, false way points and the like. PTSD is GREAT at sabotage. Though the first step in reality is recognizing it. The best sabotage can be achieved by being undiscovered - therefor PTSD doesn’t want to be discovered or you doing anything. So addressing and aiming to get better are already the next steps - the first one is exposing and recognizing this little saboteur. Therefor automatically limiting its effectiveness. Not making it go away, but it is a good start.
The uphill battle [1:24]
There are many reason why for you the fight is so hard in the beginning, be it that the PTSD structures support one another and make it harder to penetrate or that you have less energy, because of the PTSD occupation or the like. Also you don’t really know what to do. Of course you don’t - how could you? This is one of the things you learn with experience and doing it. The knowledge how to fight it, is usually not taught. So you have barely any weapons or armor, exhausted and with almost no support - and you are up against a well supported and guarded and strongly armored enemy with horrendous weapons. OF COURSE you’re having trouble fighting it. Why wouldn’t you? It is a sign of tremendous strength to rise up and fight it. It might not feel this way - especially after taking another hit - but it truly is a feat of strength. But as crazy as it sounds given the description in the earlier sentence - that fight isn’t even remotely hopeless. On contrary - you are likely going to win. There is a way. For everyone it is a different one, but there is one. So Kudos to you - for picking up the fight and facing it. The other good news is - that it gets easier, because it is a skill and the better you get at it - the faster and easier you can resolve any PTSD. Including future ones. This way your viscous circle becomes a virtuous one. And that is where we trying to get to.
Outro [3:04]
That was it for todays episode - a bit late and short, but that just sometimes how it is. Especially with me still coughing this much. I hope you are staying safe and well. And as usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 78 - Why does it feel like I am faking it?
In this episode we will talk about a feeling many have - the feeling of faking the whole ordeal and where It comes from. (Not the imposter syndrome) Ever felt you turning a mouse into an elephant? Felt like "this can't be right - it wasn't THAT bad"? Struggling with coming to terms with your situation? This is a rather common problem and it is important we talk about it
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a feeling many have - the feeling of faking the whole ordeal and where It comes from. This is not about the impostor syndrome - that is something else. It is the feeling you are making a huge show for nothing and/or that there shouldn’t be a reason for you to feel this bad and/or not be able to just get on with your life. That can really make you doubt yourself beyond reason and hinder the healing process. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:39]
I still think what happened to me was completely normal. I could swear that in front of a judge without any issues. For me the other people who claim they had a different upbringing are just lying or REALLY weird. Logically - of course - I came to the realization that this is not the case - as well as by the reaction of the other people. Nothing better than telling a for you funny story and then look into horrified and shocked faces. Often speechless too. It really helps to have a list of ‘public friendly’ stories to avoid this sort of thing. But it just shows how non universal the feeling of normal is and how much an illusion it is. We talked about it many times before - we learn what is normal when we are children. Whatever kind of normal is establish we will consider normal all our life. Despite it being not for the general population. That ranges from weird to abusive. Many things might be harmless, but some are definitely not. So first we talk about the reasons why we feel like faking it and then about denial.
It is normal - why bother? [1:48]
The biggest reason for you feeling like you are faking it - is because it feels normal. We just touched upon it, but that mostly for things that happened in the past long gone. But it also applies to the situation of having PTSD. Usually PTSD isn’t this loud dramatic outbreak as it is quite often portrayed. It is a subtle slight gliding down a hill over many years - unless you had a big traumatic event that makes the symptoms basically explode. We get to that another time - but even then: You most likely were slowly sliding downhill over a long period of time before hand, but because it was so slow you didn’t notice. Frog in the pan thing - VERY slowly increasing the heat. So either your brain is used to what happened to you - therefor it considers it normal or you slowly glided into it and your normal status changed without you noticing - or whatever makes your brain think this is normal. But because you feel it is normal - you feel like it isn’t really worth the bother. I mean yes, but “not like THAT”. Loads of attention and restlessness of other people just feels WRONG - because it is normal, right? And since it feels wrong - something must be wrong. So you feel like you are completely overdoing it… making drama over a completely normal thing - which makes you feel like you are faking it. Despite that REALLY not being the case.
Denial Phase [3:26]
Then there is the denial phase - I played into that earlier. It is astonishingly hard to come to terms with what is happening and what happened. Logically it is rather easy, but feelings wise it is a COMPLETELY different story. Denial doesn’t come only in the form of you saying that this must be wrong - most of the time it is pushing away those nagging doubts or wild thoughts or deep down fears - we fear even more to be real - or the like. It is also the usually the first and longest phase of the overall healing process - the prologue so to speak. Of you being completely in denial that it happened, that it affected you or that it was bad - or the like. That is also easily done when you compare your own experiences with the portrayed on in media and stories and the like. It creates a wrong perception and therefor you feel a disconnect and dismiss it more easily. It is also easy to dismiss your own suffering compared to those of others… compared to that it wasn’t too bad. Despite that being rarely accurate. It takes often quite a while to dig out the full trauma and see its full scope. In the end it is all about coming to terms with it - which usually only happens if you keep revisiting the topic until it takes on the new shape it needs to be.
Outro [4:55]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 79 - How can I be more empathic with myself?
In this episode we talk about being empathic is oneself. This is harder than many people believe and most don't even know where to start. We talk about where it comes, about what might help, choices from the past, learned behaviors, perfectionism and being grounded in reality. This is improtant for your healing journey therefor it is important we talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about being empathic with oneself - which is difficult and is a skill that needs to be learned. Self care is surprisingly hard and many struggle to be empathic with themselves - be it because they were taught it or because of depression and the like clouding the way. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:30]
I have to admit that I am not best at it myself - it took me many years before I was able to pick it up. Who knew that beating yourself up and self blaming would be such a hard habit to break? One would think that breaking bad habits is like getting rid of trash in your house - you can just throw them out and all is done and well. In theory the world is such an easier place I have to say. It is hard, some call it connecting with your inner child - other refer to it with learning to embrace oneself. The basis remains the same: Learning to listen inside of you and be empathic with oneself. It is rather difficult to disconnect oneself with the wants, needs, desires and demands of those around us. We are social beings - our place in our group is of utmost important to us. There is a method used by several - which is usually proven quite effective. It is imagine yourself as another person sitting in front of you - does that change how you interact? The things you say or feel? The things we say to ourselves we most of the time would never say to other people… especially not the ones dear to us. So why are we so hard on ourselves? Often because we were taught these things as children. The things we hear as children we internalize and they become later the voices and opinions in our heads. We can change them, but it requires work.
You did what you at that time thought was best (wisdom now vs wisdom then) [2:05]
One thing to keep in mind is your increased wisdom. You might remember how you once thought you had it mostly figured out - but old diaries are exposing how much you didn’t and your line of thought changed. It can even be alien. There is a saying going around on the Internet saying “if you cringe on something you did in the past - it is a sign you have grown”. I absolutely agree with it - you did what you thought at that time was the right thing. I also want to add the saying “I wish I had the knowledge of the next day - without having to learn the things I learned”. We might regret choices, but we had to learn somehow and therefor would choose differently today. But in the end - we did what we thought was right at the time and we need to accept that. We are not perfect - we can only do what we can with the tools and knowledge in our toolbox. We are neither almighty nor all knowing.
It is okay to be not perfect [3:06]
Which leads us to the next thing: It is okay to be not perfect. Many who suffered abuse in the past are trained to be perfect - as otherwise the punishment would occur. That abuse can also be being ignored by ones parents. Ever started a hobby and frustrated that you weren’t a master? Find it hard to forgive yourself for making mistakes? Find it hard to defend yourself if you do? That is usually taught behavior - not something one just develops. Once again no one has to say anything to teach it - gestures, a slight mimic change, a slight change in voice or the lack of something - are all things that can lead for this to be taught. No one is perfect - no one can be. We are all humans. This is one of these things that you have to go over again and again, if you want it to change - but I would say it is definitely worth it. You are not worth less if you are not perfect.
Be grounded in reality [4:11]
Even though I know how hard it is to let go of it. It is security. If I am perfect - I can’t be attacked! People have no reason to treat me badly or not to like me… That is not how it works. You can do everything right and still fail. You can be the best possible person and people will still find ways to dislike you. So it is best to let go of that picture of perfection that doesn’t exist in the real world. Especially in social medias and magazines give that picture of warped reality, that doesn’t exist. It makes people unhappy and depressed. Despite it not being real and all fake. It is not wise to spend too much time with it. So if you want to do yourself a favor: stay away from fashion magazines with their photo shopped figures and from social media accounts that portray the perfect life that doesn’t exist. The truth will set you free. I recommend being grounded in reality - the only place where you can actually live and find happiness. Self confidence comes from knowing all your strengths AND faults - and still accept yourself. Not from having none.
Outro [5:33]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 80 - You are not alone (between the years inter-mid)
Hello my dears!
First I just wanted to say I hope you had a wonderful holiday season - independent from the form or shape you choose to celebrate it. Though sadly it is that especially in this season we get a lot of dark thoughts - be it because of the darkness or for the chance to reflect what we have, had and could have. Or remind us of “things”. Often we are forced to put on a face - I hope it wasn’t necessary this year. All oft his can make you feel incredible lonely, alone and isolated. I feel you - and not just me.
You are not alone, your family - be it by blood or kinship - might not be in the same boat as you, but they do care for you and try to help you. And if they do not - there are millions in a similar situation.
You are not some weird phenomena that barely exists - most of them are just hiding - for their own safety. It is sad how widespread this illness is. You don’t deserve this - neither do the others. You are not alone in this. And if all fails - I care. I wouldn’t be here doing this if I didn’t. I can really only recommend keeping people around you who care and are a good influence on you. As you are hopefully on them. This year took quite a toll on most of us - so I am happy to see it end. Hoping that the next year will be A LOT better. So I wish you a “good slide into the new year” - the word by word translation of the German saying for Happy New Year - and all the best for it.
Hope to see you next year. Take care and watch yourself
Johanna