Episode 41 - Coronavirus skipping Episode
Hello my dears,
sadly I am sick and have the Corona Virus. I should be fine soon, but to be sure, I skipped recording this weeks episode.
I hope I am back soon.
Follow the safety instructions!
Watch yourselves and take care!
Episode 42 - My Corona COVID-19 Story
In this episode we talk about how I experience my Corona. Since there a lot of questions going around and people are scared and confused, I thought it might be helpful if I share my insights.
Sadly I am still in a strong grip by this illness, but I hope I be back to the regular topic next week. I am pretty optimistic about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna and I welcome you to my podcast - this time Corona Edition it seems. I feel like there is a lot of confusion, fear and lack of knowledge regarding this topic. So I thought I share shortly how it went down for me, before I can hopefully return to normal schedule next week.
How I got it [0:42]
Well first, how did I get it? Well some mothers bring flowers, mine brought Corona. Sadly no joke. After her visit of her chemotherapy treated sister, she had to change trains in several stations. It is save to assume she got it there. She has shown the first symptoms when she was with me. As did I. But they were too subtle for us to truly notice.
How did I figure it out? [1:15]
So, how did I figure out I had it? Well for a short recap: I had around 5 weeks earlier a real flu for 3 weeks, a week later a Sinusitis for a week… barely made out of it when she came to visit. Because of her visit I was delayed on this podcast and finishing it off Tuesday morning, I didn’t feel too well, but it seemed okay. Then the coughing started. After an good hour of working I couldn’t continue. I thought alright might work on it later, but the symptoms just kept getting worse. I went within 3 hours from “Everything is fine” to “Do I need to call an ambulance?”. This illness was really different from the real flu and Sinusitis I had the weeks prior.
What were the symptoms? [2:10]
I had this enormously dry cough, which made my lungs cramp up and hurt more and more. Soon my lungs were hurting and I had slight trouble breathing. That was an extremely frightening experience. Because it really escalated so extremely in such a short amount of time. I immediately warned my mother, who of course started to self isolate herself. I had time to remember, so here are all the symptoms: It started with strong tiredness or a lot of sleep felt needed. Then slight throat pain. Also there was this strange muscle soreness, it was more like I was exercising and not the usual heaviness. I felt like, while I was sleeping, that my body trained for a marathon. Then there was this headache that seemed to originate between the eyes and right at the base of the nose. I couldn’t sleep until I took a paracetamol. But the most noticeable symptom is clearly that dry cough. My aunt, who also had Corona had the same symptom.
Are you sure you had it? [3:24]
Now I get asked a lot, if I am sure I have it, as we couldn’t get tested for a lack of tests. The answer is yes, to 95%. I literally had the real flu a few weeks earlier and I am sick a LOT with that sort of things. These symptoms were unlike anything I ever experienced. First the enormous focus on the lungs were absolutely atypical. Then the muscle soreness I never had. Usually my muscles feel just they are made of lead. As weird as it may sound, but those symptoms felt foreign. It felt also completely different from any flu or influenza I ever had. Several also had included things like cough and the like. But the strongest hints were definitely the strong, dry cough and how fast the symptoms escalated.
Any tips? [4:25]
So, any tips I can give you? Yes, definitely. The problem with corona is really, how fast you loose control over the situation. It is like a sports car. So the key is to keep it contained. You archive that by keeping your body energized and avoid overdoing yourself. Every time I slightly overdid myself, the symptoms started exploding again. You keep your body energized, but sleeping and resting. But also by eating good food and low fat-high energy food. Cookies for example. Your body needs loads of energy to contain the virus. Ciabatta is also nice. I also drank water rich with magnesium to battle the muscle soreness, but that might not be needed for many. If you do that, you relatively fast see your symptoms get better.
Outro [5:23]
That was it for todays episode. I hope you found it helpful. Next week we are hopefully back on topic. Hope to see you then. Watch yourselves and take care.
Episode 43 - Coronavirus skipping Episode (II)
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to my podcast.
I really had hoped I could return back to schedule this week, sadly I had a fall back with Corona. There were factors I had no control over and as I mentioned last week, the dangerous thing about Corona is how fast it escalates. Though the symptoms are already declining again, I was sadly in no position to record a full episode. I am really optimistic about next week and I apologize for the inconveniences.
I hope to see you next week. Watch yourself and take very good care of yourself.
Episode 44 - Fight or Flight or Freeze – The mechanism of triggers
In this episode we get into the mechanism of triggers. Fight or Flight or Freeze.
We talk about how tiggers work and how they are caused.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about “Fight or Flight”, with the addition of “or Freeze” - the mechanism of triggers. The reason why we respond, when being triggered with those 3 options, is, that this is the very mechanism of triggers.
So, I think we should spend a bit of time to get to know it a tad bit better, as it is something like a baseline knowledge. So, let us get right into it.
Prelude [0:39]
We had briefly touched on this before, but I really want to emphasize on this as it is one of the basics for understanding triggers. You might be first wondering, why I added Freeze to it at the end. Well the original mechanism is called Fight or Flight, because that is what we are supposed to do after facing a threat to us. We either fight it or we flight, depending what grands us the higher chance of survivability. For that the brain unleashes immense amounts of adrenaline, so we have the best shot at any of those two options. But what if we don’t make a decision? If we can’t decide to flee or fight? Well - then we freeze. The adrenaline that would help us running at record level now blocks our brain and prevents any further communicating. And that leads us being unable to think, move or… do anything really. So - let us first cover the base model of this mechanism and then how it relates to triggers.
The base model [1:48]
So, what is the base model? The mechanism is one from old times, when we faced off against beasts on quite a regular basis and the environment was a lot more lethal to us. The tiger is a classic example for this – though realistically a rather unrealistic one, but one of the best to use for explanations, because it is a predator jumper. That means you wouldn’t see the whole tiger until it was way too late. But small signs like his fur, movement in the bushes, his breathing, his teeth, the legs, the heaviness of the creature and so on. Either of these things would cause the brain to expect an attack of that creature at any moment and begins sending out adrenaline. It causes to fight stronger, run faster, ignore pain or injuries and so on. So, when the creature attacks we can escape or fight it for our life. Our brain applies the same thing to ANYTHING that poses a potential threat to our wellbeing. The thing is, it is still attuned to nature and doesn’t get specific connections, especially if they are abstract ones. Despite that it is still a solid mechanism that can keep you alive despite all odds.
What has this to do with triggers? [3:18]
So, what has this to do with triggers? You might have already guessed, that it is same structure. Because a trigger is exactly that. It is the fight or flight mechanism gone wrong. Very wrong sometimes. Similar like a freshman getting a huge tirade for failing at a task and then becomes overly perfectionist and completely overly alert - and the mechanism does the same thing. Overcompensating. Because the instinct failed to protect from the threat, it becomes now omnipresent in the mind. So each little hint that goes in that direction is now taken extremely seriously. Now it isn’t orange fur anymore, it is EVERY orange object. Movement in the bushes? Now EVERYTHING that moves is a warning sign. It is basically your brain panicking. The alarm goes off constantly and therefor you are constantly under attack. Which means your brain keeps sending out the adrenaline and you don’t have really any idea why. And how can you respond to something, that isn’t actually there? Because all of it, is basically a false alarm. A false alarm that goes off all the time. So if there is a REAL threat, it goes now often unnoticed. This is why we have to teach our brains that that is a false alarm and why. We talked about how to do that in Episode 31 - Rewrite your brain. I picked this topic so that you know what to aim for and that you no longer target into nothing and waste a lot of energy. This hopefully helps you to put triggers in a box and remove them.
Private Words [5:10]
Lesson of this week: Never upgrade your PC on a Saturday evening. I finally exchanged the parts of my Computer, that caused more and more malfunctions and made my computer 177 years old in Computer Years. Yes, there is a website that calculates this for you. But during the exchange a 5cent piece of plastic of my CPU cooler broke… and now I couldn’t attach it. The rest seems to work fine, but my fan isn’t. Luckily, I could order a new one, as the old one was thought back then to be a placeholder. But because Sunday is all shut down in Germany, I will get delivery on Tuesday. THIS MORNING. Means I will need to repair a computer this morning, copy over the notes, correct them and then set up everything, to be able to record. I wanted to do it Wednesday and now I remembered WHY. But, eh, wouldn’t it be boring otherwise? I mean something going according to plan? That is now how we do things in THIS family/household. And then I got Corona. And all those plans got to waste. But at least those times are behind me and I am immune now. Jay! Which makes listening to the news, etc. MUCH more relaxing.
Outro [6:46]
That was it for todays episode. FINALLY BACK. I really missed doing this. I hope you liked this episode and that it helped to demystify the triggers. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 45 - Helplessness - The cause for Depression
In this weeks episode we talk about the cause of Depression: Helplessness. We talk about the cause of Depression and how it can help us with Depression. This is a baseline that is supposed to help and reveal what to aim for.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about Helplessness - The cause for Depression and only about that angle. After we talked last week about the mechanism of the trigger, we talk this time about the cause for depression. Basically every depression. But I feel like understanding how it is connected makes things a bit more clear and better manageable. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:39]
Depressions are the worst. No doubt about it. They ruin everything. They make everything taste like nothing, take our energy, minimizes our pleasure and kill our sex drive. And so much more. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it also causes pain and suffering. I lived basically in a permanent depressive state from since as far as I could remember until about three quarter of a year ago. And I am not missing it one single millisecond. If I could I would remove them, I would, despite me knowing that sometimes Depression is sadly an integral part of moving on or for example mourning. So, at very least, I try to help others to get it also to an absolutely minimum. But the different forms of depression we get to another time, this time we focus only on the cause for them.
The cause for Depression [1:44]
As much it is true, that each depression is caused by its own unique trigger - they all share the same reason why they cause a depression. The feeling of helplessness. As soon as you feel like you can’t change anything about your situation and left as its mercy, you will get a depression - at least in theory. Maybe only a slight one, maybe a huge one. It depends of course on a lot of different factors, what shape it takes. And of course it needs to be a significant part of your life. Not being able to pick ice cream because the ice cream machine broke usually doesn’t do it. It is really fascinating, as depression is basically a biological self destruction mechanism. I am not sure why we have it - but as soon you are in a helpless position with no sight of escaping. This mechanism works if you feel stuck in your job, partnership, overall life situation, medical condition and so on and so forth. Usually the situation doesn’t appear that bad compared to the unknown other options. So no reason to change something? And once depression sets in… it becomes even harder. And you are left with a feeling of helplessness, being stuck, a ball in the waves and/or the like.
How does it help? [3:15]
So how could you put this knowledge to good use? You can, for example, as soon you feel depressed look onto your position. Why could you feel helpless? Often this isn’t something dramatic. More like feeling either stuck and seeing no way of changing things or being unable to remove the strings that are attached to that thing or person who is causing all of this. Though sometimes you actually can’t change anything about your situation. Maybe a loss or maybe something happened. We are rarely in full control of our lives - it is more like swimming in a river. We rarely can change life, but we CAN change our attitude towards the problem. Which I don’t mean as in, ignore your problems, they are just earthly things or anything the like. I mean we need to sometimes see another angle. Like focusing on figuring out how and where to work after this job - but we go back to that in depth another time. This is just a baseline to help you aim for it. To show you the person behind the curtain. So you might get rid of your depression - or at least lessen it - because you know where to look for the source. As this not only help you to aim for something, but it also makes you less helpless. Which I think is always a good thing.
Private Words [4:43]
The tone of the news has shifted a lot in the last week. So I just wanted to ask: Are you guys okay? The situation is not optimal in most nations, but I have to say, the things we hear about the US clearly takes the cake. I know that most of my listeners are from the US and I am worried. The management of the crisis has been horrifically bad by the government and I really am worried for everyone involved. I can’t really express how happy I am and how important it is to me, that we are taking patients from our neighboring countries. They are in need and we luckily have the capacities to help them, but the US is too far away. This is the time for solidarity and help and thankfully most step up to this challenge. Like, that some states form state unions to handle this crisis better, is encouraging. To everyone I can just say, please stay save and take good care of yourself. As much as you can and I really know how hard it is when you are suffering from PTSD, depression and the like. Self care is often difficult to say the least and it is hard to properly take care of yourself, but just try to do what you can. Everything is going to be alright. Just stay save and watch yourself.
Outro [6:20]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you liked it. This was something. I had to change the topic midway because of the news in the world I felt like I couldn’t do the other topic anymore. And some other reasons. Sorry for the inconveniences. As usually, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 46 - A few seconds away from death ("Suicide")
In this episode we talk about a rather somber topic: The sudden need to kill yourself that a Person suffering from severe (C)PTSD might encounter. This is not the normal suicide thoughts that build up nor the random wild thoughts you might encounter. This comes out of nowhere and disappear in a similar fashion - it is something unique to this illness (as far as I know). I think it is something important to know, that is why we talk about it in this episode.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a quite somber topic, but it is very important to me. The topic of how we are just a few seconds away from death - and I don’t mean in the normal way. I mean specifically because we suffer from PTSD. How we sometimes get for a brief moment the extreme strong desire to kill ourselves… and then it is all gone, as if it never happened. I wouldn’t call it suicide, because suicide implies that you plan to die. This is completely different. It is more your body is forcing you to kill yourself, even if you don’t want it. Since this is a very dangerous thing to occur and seemingly sort of a taboo, as is suicide in general, so I thought it incredible important to talk about it.
Prelude [1:07]
I was waiting a bit for the right moment to talk about this… but there doesn’t seem to be one. So now is a good a moment as ever. The behavior that I am describing is usually only occurring if you have strong symptoms. Nonetheless, even if you don’t have them, it might be wise to know about this. There is a good reason why, when I was in the worse of my PTSD, I stood far away from the train rails when I waited for my train. Or why I stood away from the street while waiting for the signal to cross it. I think you have to witness it to really understand it, how fast it goes. You just sit there, everything is fine. Suddenly, out of nowhere, you have this extreme strong desire to kill yourself. Like it is overwhelming. Everything in your head demands that you do it. Refusing is causing insufferable pain. And suicide seems to be the only logical and reasonable thing to do. A few seconds later, it is as if nothing has happened. The thoughts are gone. As are ANY intentions of suicide. You might be standing there afterwards and thinking… what the hell just happened? Am I loosing my mind? So let us break the silence and talk about it.
Why does it happen? [2:38]
There is sadly no “official” explanation why and how this is happening, as far as I know. These aren’t the common suicide thought that slowly grow and take more and more shape in your head. I had no suicide intentions before and after that. Pretty much far from it. I was also not in a particular bad spot. It always seemed to be pretty random. It seems like the brain rolls. And if it hits the 1, you get this. It seems logical, that the more severe your case of PTSD is… the smaller the dice is. Especially if your are at your limits already and your resistance is low. As usual and in the line of things. I am not sure how many seconds it is. I also don’t know if it is longer or shorter if your PTSD is more or less severe. I was a bit busy in that moment to be able to count and it never got less severe that I could. It just stopped happening at one point during my healing path. It definitely only happened when I was at the worst end of my PTSD journey. So it is one of the end stage symptoms I would call it. It is also nothing like the random thoughts like “I could just jump now” that almost everyone experiences. It was like I was being mind controlled by something, that tried to make me do it. There is really no curve to this, it hits you like a truck and then it is gone. Like nothing has happened. Almost like a malfunction of a machine. I really need more input from others to be able to tell more.
What can we do? [4:23]
Which leads us, of course, to the most important question: What can we do? Sadly, not all too much. Of course getting better is the only way to truly get rid of them, but that might take a bit. So what do we do in the meantime? I would recommend doing what I did, and avoid any situations where you could kill yourself within a few seconds - if you have more or less severe symptoms. That means, like I mentioned, standing more in the back if you wait for a train, the pedestrian light, etc. You should be still able to catch the train and cross the street. I would also recommend not driving, ESPECIALLY if you also have trouble sleeping, IF you can avoid it. I know in some places that is not an option. Then at least I recommend trying to drive during low traffic times. And, I know this is going to be a sensitive issue, keep a weapon away from yourself that you can’t kill yourself with within a few seconds. There is a good reason for the effectiveness and high suicide rate in America. Sadly weapons are really effective in killing, even if the target is yourself. I am not saying get rid of them or anything. Just be save for a few seconds. And of course the most important one: Try to not push your boundaries and save energy. The more you push your boundaries, the more likely you are gliding into a worse category. Which makes of course this more likely to happen. Just try to stay save and protect yourself. It can really happen so fast.
Private Words [6:12]
I was thinking about what I could possibly say after such a topic and I am going to use a bit of a cop out: The absolute changing landscape of mother nature. From horror movie to green. VERY green. I am fascinated by this effect every year. It just seems to be happening over night. The grey on grey seems to be lasting forever and then suddenly… all is green and dandy. Or at least in my climate. Like from the bare branches to so much green, you ask yourself where HAVE they been hiding it. And flowers. Loads of them. And then there are of course the duck couples. There are several here on our small river. I really enjoy were I live. I like being close to nature like this. And it is really such a sight for my sore eyes to have the colors back after so long grey, dark and brown. Also, do you like winter AND summer? No worries. We on one day went from -2°C (that is 28°F) to 23°C (that is 73° F). Yes, in one day. The days before and after we had similar temperature differences. This is crazy. Also the sun is back. Slowly getting warm, but quite far from scorching yet. All in all it is a nice spring, it is a shame we can’t enjoy it as much we would like at the moment - but we can enjoy it.
Outro [7:59]
That was it for todays episode. I hope you liked it, despite the rather somber topic, but I think it is important to be aware of something like this. Please be careful and if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 47 - Injustice - A (very) good reason to be angry... or sad
In this episode we talk about Injustice. More specifically about the feelings that are caused by Injustice. Especially for people suffering from a Trauma often end up with the short end of the stick. First we talk about what is unjust and the cause of the emotions we get.
Let us talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about Injustice - a very good reason to be angry… or sad. That anger is most likely the fuel that lets you keep fighting back… and the sadness is likely what makes you despair. You might feel primarily one of those two sides or you switch between these two states back and forth. Either way, it is something we all have to deal with. So, let us give it a voice and talk about it.
Prelude [0:41]
It is sadly often our reality, that we, people who suffered a trauma, get the short end of the stick. Rarely our stories end in a glorious victory and most of the time we get barely away with nothing but our bare skin. It is just not fair. The victim gets the punishment and the tormentor gets away scot-free. It is like a parallel reality. For those of you who got PTSD from what they did, we talk about guilt another time. Despite you maybe having caused harm, you can still be a victim and suffer injustice. Those categories can perfectly coexist - despite what many think. No one deserves to suffer needlessly. A bit of suffering belongs to life, we learn this way, we appreciate things this way and we are shaped by it. Life itself provides enough suffering, no need to add to it or try to challenge life if it can’t do more. As many of you most likely already learned. With that cheerful thought out of the way, let us first talk about what is unjust and where does the anger come from.
What is unjust? [1:57]
Let us start with the question, what is unjust? Well, basically the universe. Life itself is inherently unjust. It just isn’t fair. The only form of justice that exists, is the one we created. Yes, we are the pillar of justice. As hard as it is to believe. We created the system of justice, because most mammals, like us, apes, dogs, orcas and the like, have a sense of fair and unfairness. Justice and Injustice. Outside of the system we create, there is no justice. The notion of getting what you deserve is an inventions of the mammals. Maybe that is the reason why we fear injustice so much. Because we know there is an all too real chance we won’t get any justice. That what was done to us, will go unnoticed. Because that is the definition of unjust: Somebody not getting what they deserve. But who decides who deserves what? Who deserves what punishment? That will always be a debate we will be having. There will never be a perfect answer, but only by keeping debating it, we get closest to perfect. Sadly, there will always be people who will suffer Injustice, no matter how hard we try - but through constantly improving the system, we can keep the number to a minimum.
What is the cause for those feelings? [3:25]
Still that is where the anger and sadness comes from: The pain that you won’t be getting what you deserve. Nor your tormentor. And there is nothing you can do about it. You are absolutely right to be upset by it. Our society is based on the fact that we get what we deserve, almost all of our laws are build around it. As mentioned before we are social beings and justice makes us work in large groups. The primal injustice, not getting your fair share on the loot, could lead to you dying. So the stronger and more life threatening the injustice, the stronger we protest. So you have every right to feel angry. Or wronged. Or sad. Why wouldn’t you? If you weren’t upset by it, it would mean you are okay with what is happening. That you would accept it. And therefor declare the wrong that happened to you a right thing. Because if there is no consequence for onces action, it means by default that the action was okay. So you are rightfully protesting. It is very hard for humans to change their behavior if they get no external feedback. So your anger and sadness is a protest to society, a signal so to speak, that there is someone getting away with not getting what they deserve. Which, sadly, will most likely get unheard of. So you REALLY have every right to feel the way you do. How do we deal with this? That is something we might talk about next week. This week it was all about the emotions felt by injustice.
Private words [5:10]
I have to say, I wouldn’t be telling this story if it wasn’t so incredibly ridiculous. As I might have mentioned before, my dog isn’t in a great state. One of the reason is a food intolerance.
I tried for months trying to figure out what it is besides grain. Well, I found the answer this week: It is water. Yes, water. I wish I could make a picture every time I tell that to someone.
The faces I get are so funny and I completely understand them. Was most likely mine as well, when I figured it out. It is a “Are you kidding me?” face, that can’t believe it is reality. Of course the dog isn’t REALLY allergic to water but what is IN the water. Which now makes me a little hesitant to drink it again. It just kind of leaves a weird feeling. For a few days my dog has been getting filtered water and I do see a massive reduction of symptoms and him getting better. I do feel a bit bad, that it took me so long to figure this out. But on the other hand, who would have ever thought or suspected it could be water? I surely didn’t and so did neither of the people I told about it… especially if I go by their faces they make.
Outro [6:34]
That was it for todays episode, has been a rough week for me, so I might have gone a bit stronger on the sarcasm. I hope you enjoyed this episode nonetheless, as usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 48 - Injustice - Dealing with the emotions
In this episode we will talk about Injustice and dealing with the emotions - which we talked about last week. Not just with the sadness and the anger and everything in between. Dealing with the emotions is crucial in removing it from your system or at least lessen the symptoms. We first talk about how to address it and then a few examples how to do it. So, let us talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about Injustice and dealing with the emotions - which we talked about last week. Not just with the sadness and the anger and everything in between, but also a bit with the cause. Dealing with the emotions is crucial in removing it from your system or at least lessen the symptoms. So let us get right into it.
Prelude [0:36]
When I first did this, I didn’t think it would really be helpful, but knowing how things worked, I thought it will be at least somewhat helpful. More like a stepping stone than a solution. I was wrong, it was extremely helpful. As much as I knew of the power of speaking things out loud and how important it is to gives something a voice, I did not expect it to be THAT effective. And it is - once again - rather simple. We talked about it before, our emotional and vocal sections are strongly connected. That should come to no surprise, as I think most of us had the situation, where our voice was unplanned affected by emotions. Where we just wanted to say something, but our emotions maybe made it impossible or we didn’t sound like we intended to sound. Similar we can we hear the emotions in other peoples voices. Which sometimes lends them credibility or takes away from it. For this we will first talk about how we address it and then a few phrases and examples.
How do we address it? [1:45]
So, how do we address it? Well, there are a few different categories of people we address.
First the causers, the people who caused this injustice. Usually I refer to them as the tormentor.
The second category are the bystanders, who could have done something, but didn’t.
Third the ones that afterwards proof unhelpful, by making the road to recovery harder and furthering the injustice. For example doctors who don’t take your suffering seriously or people who help the tormentor and harm you.
The fourth category is people, who mean well, but their behavior or words are rather unhelpful.
The first two I put in the “How could you” section and other two in the “How dare you” or “How can you” section.
And then the final section and category is you, the “I am sick and tired” or “I am done with” one. Once again it is important that you say it out loud, I warn you ahead, that despite maybe starting relatively quiet it can easily happen to you that you get really into it and get rather loud. Especially if you are angry about those points. You also might cry a lot. Either way, that is the point of this exercise. Letting those emotions out, because they are like weights weighing you down and eating you up inside. They shouldn’t be bottled up like this. So find a place and space where you can be maybe a bit louder and/or cry. Also I recommend doing it in a time window where you can be yourself and don’t have to put the mask on.
The phrases and examples [3:32]
Now let us go to the phrases. For them it is important that you imagine the person in front of you. You might hesitate saying it to that person, as saying it usually would draw severe consequences. That is why you usually bottle it all up inside… and slowly poison yourself. We need to get it out. And the good news is: We don’t need that other person actually to achieve it. Like I said before: You don’t need other people to cure yourself - as them doing something specific. I am all for getting help and support. You will - most likely - NEVER get the apology, answer or the like you deserve. So, as I said, find yourself a place where you can this and visualize the person you want to say it in front of you.
Then use for the first section the sentences “How could you…”. For example. “How could you do this to me?” “How could you abandon me like this?” “How could you justify this behavior?” “How could you still claim you are doing the right thing?” And so on and so forth. Start… you will most likely be surprised how easy you come up with more once you started.
The same with the second section “How dare you” or “How can you”. Some examples are again: “How dare you say it wasn’t wrong what happened!” “How can you act like everything is normal?” “How can you still look into the mirror?” Play around, see what you respond to. It is relatively easy once you let your emotions loose.
Now to the final section “I am sick and tired” or “I am done with”. For example: “I am sick and tired of having to bite my tongue around everyone and not speak freely.””I am sick and tired of being sick.” ”I am done with having to fight for my basic rights”. There is a lot we can’t say around normal people. They usually can’t deal with it. So this is really a great way to say those things nonetheless. It is important to just get them our of your system. So you can heal and finally move on.
Private Words [6:02]
I don’t know if you play these sort of games, where you have to follow a NPC sneakily and he isn’t allowed to detect you? And every now and then he turns around to check what is going on behind his back? Well, I just realized during my walk with the dog, that I am that NPC during our walks. You see, my dog is free running, while I have a leash on me, as he is very reliable and trained well. But with age he picked um some bad habits, he isn’t supposed to do. Not really bad, but still something he shouldn’t do. Like eating all the grass. But sadly he figured out, that, if he walks behind me, I can’t see it. IF he is sneaky and silent about it. That are the times I wish I had a Labrador… they usually don’t figure this kind of stuff out. So now every now and then I turn around to shoo my dog, like that NPC. But at least he is getting better and that is one of the signs for it. And regarding stealth in games: Unless I am forced to it, I usually go by the method “No one can notice, if no one is left to notice”. I just suck at stealth.
Outro [7:27]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. I might pick up the exercises again now and then to show their usage properly - especially if people feel like they need more explanations. As I did cut it all rather short. But that was it for now, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 49 - Therapeutic Abuse - 5 No-go Practices
In this episode we talk about therapeutic abuse, about 5 No-go practices to be precise. The 5 practices I will go into in a bit go from being wrong to being harmful for the patients. That means we start with peddling, then we question if the past is irrelevant, that men don’t have feelings, the meaning of a person being a family member and how you have to be "y" if you are "x". It is a taboo subject, so it is really important we talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about therapeutic abuse with 5 no-go practices that are sadly more common than I would like. This list is meant as a short overview of those topics. It is depressingly a fact that a lot of therapist abuse their position of power and behave in a way they really shouldn’t. Since most don’t know really enough of psychology, they often don’t dare to protest. Additionally it is a taboo subject, so it is really important we talk about it.
Prelude [0:45]
Sadly, therapist are only humans, which means they are not perfect and will do mistakes and sometimes make wrong decisions and so on. This is pretty much unavoidable. We are all fallible. Though your right to be ignorant stops as soon it harms other people or even worse can cause their death. You DO NOT play with human lives. I have a zero tolerance for that. Especially if you are in a position of power. The 5 practices I will go into in a bit go from being wrong to being harmful for the patients. We start with wrong and then the other 4 are about being harmful to the patient. That means we start with peddling, then we question if the past is irrelevant, that men don’t have feelings, the meaning of a person being a family member and how you have to be “y” if you are “x”.
The peddler [1:44]
Let us start with something simple. Peddling. You, as a therapist, are in a position of power. People trust you. Which some take as an incentive to sell their stuff. Often to deeply desperate people. Who would literally do anything to just escape their misery. So, if their therapist claims that this wonderful vitamin juice will give you back your energy and make you feel better again… how could they say no? Even if they do not believe the peddler, that it will help them, they might oblige just to not fall in disgrace with their therapist. This actually makes you loose your license in some nations… and for a good reason! It is an abuse of the patient therapist relationship and an abuse of power, which you have as a therapist. It is an absolute No-Go if your therapist tries to sell you anything.
The past is irrelevant [2:43]
Second is one of my all time favorites: It is in the past therefor it doesn’t affect you. Get the f out of here. While it is true, that we shouldn’t be controlled by our past and/or live there, the past is definitely relevant. Who we are is a mix of our hobbies, our past, our values, our choices and the like. Our past is what got us here, so it IS relevant. Quite significantly I would say. Though our past also doesn’t determine our future. It doesn’t matter really how long it is in the past, if you have not taking actions to resolve it or handle it, then it is like a festering wound. Getting more and more infected over time and won’t heal. You are not doomed by your past, but past untreated things WILL follow you forever. Think about it: If something as simple as your first plane ride, first kiss, etc affected you, why not also the bad things? As a therapist you REALLY should know better. Different fields of psychology deal with it. Development psychology for example. This is a complete no-go.
Men don’t have feelings [4:06]
Third is one of my most hated ones: Men don’t have feelings. Apparently when you belong to the male gender, you become immune to all emotional damage. No depression, heartbreak, anxiety, etc. Sarcasm of course. This is sadly enforced by several cultures. Where pictures of crying men or men showing vulnerability or the like, are met with insults, laughter and so on. Which is completely despicable and should never happen. But it is even worse, if that behavior is shown by therapists. It is unprofessional, even if you believe something in that direction, and worse really harmful for the patient. And a complete and utter betrayal of trust. It is one of the reason why men are more hesitant to seek help in psychological field or stop seeking help. I have had people in my surrounding reporting that sort of behavior and was the reason I started helping them. It is bad enough if the mob culture has this sort of mentality, but a trained professional should know better. It is literally a part of the basics and part of several of the subjects we study as psychologist. A complete and utter and obvious no-go.
But that person is family! [5:32]
The fourth one is one hitting very close to home “But that person is family!”. Being related to me, doesn’t make you automatically Scott-free. It is sadly still a common sentiment, that the family can do no wrong. People opening up about what horrendous things their family, especially their parents, had done, are often met with rejection, belittlement, denial, insults and the like. Things along the line of“They are your parents, they maybe make mistakes but they have your best interest at heart”. This is even brought forward to people, who's parents sold them to other adults simply for greed. And even a little girl was asked by the police, if she didn’t asked for interacting with her fathers private parts. These examples are just meant to show you, that there is no limit on how far people are going with this. But even with not so extreme behaviors: If you don’t feel it is right, your opinion is important. In doubt, or as an exercise, replace all the peoples names with random names and write it all down. Then reread it. If you don’t think the behavior is right, then being a family member doesn’t make it right. It is okay to stop interacting with people who make you miserable. You deserve better than that. No matter who they are. A therapist needs to be a neutral person, we are there to help the other person deal with their problems. Our personal opinions needs to be cut back as much as possible in sessions. This sort of behavior is a clear no-go.
Because you are “x” you must be “y” [7:19]
And last, but not the least, the fifth one is: “Because you are ‘x’ you must be ‘y’”. This has many, many sub categories, one of the biggest, that men don’t have feelings, I touched upon earlier. But this category spans so much wider. If you are a female, you must want children or like pink. This doesn’t just include those things, but also behaviors and who you can and can’t be. Being forced to live a life of something you are not is damaging to once self. You are forced to wear a mask or play a role that is contrary to who you are. And sooner or later you become nothing else than that. It might seem minor in some cases, but not being able to be ourselves often causes depression and other psychological illnesses. Because this way other people control our lives instead of ourselves. As a therapist the patients best interest should be our main goal, not reinforcing stereotypes. Therefor a clear no-go.
Private Words [8:27]
Now a less serious question that is reason of debate in my social circle: How big is a big dog? You see I have a white Shepard, that is a race, if more colors were available I would have gotten him in blue. Or purple. Either way, my little boy is 68 cm or almost 27 inches at his shoulders and weights roughly 50kg or 110 pounds. I am always amused when people say I should put him on a leash so he is under control. I am usually around 65 kg or 143 pounds… how can anyone believe I can stop him from anything he REALLY wants to do? Even ignoring my nerve damaged arms. What keeps him in check is his good training. But of course I put him on the leash when asked. I just find it kind of funny that that calms them down. Either way, the dog might not be deserving of the title little, but my family refers to it as calf or foal. Which I protest, as it is a normal size for a dog. The natural size. He will always be my little boy, but the question remains: How big is a big dog?
Outro [9:50]
That was it for todays episode. I hope you liked it and gave you valuable information. I will get into this topic for sure another time again for the more… extreme forms of abuse. This was of course just a short overview of those topics and kind of summarize them under this title.That being said, as usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 50 - The up and downs of healing
In this episode we talk about the up and downs of healing. What they are, why sometimes going down means you are healing. As this is one of the more confusing and frustrating parts of the healing process. After that we ask what we can for our healing progress. And in the end a little thank you for 50 episodes.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the up and down of the healing progress, which can be at times rather frustrating. Sadly, it is part of healing, no matter what kind of healing. It can be a wound, concussion, bruise, psychological or whatever. Anything. As long as it interacts with life it will have the up and downs typical of healing. So time to talk a bit about it.
Prelude [0:40]
Who hadn’t one of those days, were you were SO good, it felt like you are going to be healed within a short period of time and then the next day happens and you wonder if you are even able to eat. I had several of them. It often feels like a hamster wheel, where you just don’t seem to be able to get anywhere. The thing is, with the physical healing process we can SEE things. We SEE a wound changing. We can point to the fresh scar still visible. We can show people our bruises. But what do we do with psychological ones? Trust me it’s there? It becomes especially hard if people demand concrete answers how it is going. Well, I guess? How does one describe something, that neither party can see, will ever see or has ever been seen by anyone? Let us get a brain scan to check? How do you describe your status? Not just to others, but also to yourself? What words can one use to describe those weird feelings you feel? That makes it all harder. Of course I can’t give names to your feelings, but I can help you with the up and downs. To give you a better understanding where you are in your up and down and how it is going with your healing process. Maybe help you prepare appropriately. So, first we ask why we go up and down and then what we can do.
Why do we go up and down? [2:19]
So, how come we go up and down? Well, that might be hard to believe, but if it isn’t caused by a trigger, then the going down phase is actually something good. Let me explain: There are 2 reasons why you go down. The one most commonly known is something triggered you and you having a strong reaction. A trigger is like an attack on you and if you don’t know how to counter it, all you can do is retreat and recover as fast as you can. That is what the up is, which I think is rather obvious, it is you recovering and/or restoring yourself. Depending on how strong the hit or so was, the deeper down you got and the longer it takes to go up again. Also depends on support, events, other trigger and the like, that influence the speed of healing. But what is the second going down that is good? Remember me using the metaphor of your soul as a garage? And that your trauma is like packages all piled up in it? Well, the second way of going down is your brain clearing up a bit of space and opening one of those boxes and getting hit by the content - so to speak. It means that your brain took a part of the trauma away. Depending how much space it had and what tools, the part it took is smaller or bigger. Afterwards you should heal up higher than you were before the opening. But because that amount is usually not really feel able, especially after you just digged yourself out of a hole and who remembers how high the ground was before you fell? So you most likely won’t notice. So the only way to actually see it, is by looking back into a quite distant past. This up and downs continues until we are completely free of the boxes, but the more boxes are missing, the easier it gets. That means along the process, the worst days will be still better than your earlier best days.
What can we do? [4:36]
So, what can we do regarding our healing progress? A few things.
First we can make a sort of diary, or at least a table, with how good or bad our day was and what we were and weren’t able to do. Maybe a general statement from you of your outlook on the situation and you feel like it is going. This way you can see and read up how much you have changed and read what hasn’t changed. This can be a good starting point to discover sleeper traumas, which I get into another time.
Second, prepare mentally for the the darkest phase. Usually just before it goes up again, you are at your worst. It is true, it is the darkest before dawn. And you will be the most miserable just when you are about to heal. I can confirm that myself with many, many instances I went through. I sometimes try to aim to sleep right beforehand to skip it as much as possible, but that is very tricky to pull off. It is absolutely crucial to have a strategy to dampen the negative and devastating effects. Be it a mantra, grounding technique, whatever works for you. But be aware that you might not be able to do anything in this phase.
Third, learn to ride those waves. If you are in the healing progress they will basically come non-stop and might even overlaps at times. Like any good sailor, it is wise to get used to rhythm of the waves. It will let you know when to brace and when to move. It takes a bit of experience and trying, but if you can estimate when what phase hits, your recovery speed WILL increase.
Last but not least: Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know it feels incredible slow, but it really isn’t about speed - it is about consistency. Take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. You get there.
Private words [6:56]
I first want to say thank you for listening, we reached the milestone of 50 episodes, which is just mind boggling. It has almost been a year since I uploaded the first episode and a LOT has changed since then. First and foremost how I view the podcast, I since have tried to change to adapt the podcast to the many topics and question people with PTSD have and not just give the strict guideline how to deal with it. The funny thing is, my most listened to episode, the second one titled “PTSD and it’s symptoms” I first didn’t want to record, because I thought no one would be interested in it, because it was very basic knowledge. It was very wrong of me to assume that. I understand that now. The lack of general knowledge on this topic is disturbing, not just the public, but also from medical personnel. As I sadly learned from my surrounding. So where we go from here? I will within the next week open the section for therapy, so I can provide more direct help. How I do that will be available to read on the homepage, which I quite reworked a bit. And since most peoples listening behavior has changed, I also plan to do a video version of my podcasts - most likely by recording myself while I record the podcast. I am curious what you all think about that. Of course I will continue to try to give answers to question and show the way out of that absolute nightmare. Thank you again for listening and making my work not be in vane.
Outro [8:48]
That was it for todays episode, I hoped you liked it. I can only encourage you to ask me as many questions as possible, as it really helps me enormously in finding the next topic and shaping my podcast.So please, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 51 - Sleeper Trauma (Trauma Update)
In this episode we revisit the topic trauma to update it. We talk about what kind of shapes the trauma can take. This time we talk about the most sneaky and sabotaging one, the sleeper trauma. Named after sleeper agents and their similar behavior. So first we get into the name and behavior of the trauma and then how we can try to find it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about sleeper trauma or whatever name you want to give it. After last weeks episode I felt like I should explain what I meant with that term, as I created it. The sleeper trauma is one of 3 shapes the trauma usually takes… in my experience so far. I might learn of new shapes in the future. As far as I know I am at the moment the only one trying to give the trauma visual shapes. So let us start with the sneaky one that is the sleeper trauma.
Prelude [0:45]
I have to admit, I am still a bit in a sour mood because of this little bastard. I am not sure if you noticed, but during the last months I had to deal with clearing 1 PTSD and 1 C-PTSD. If not a bit more. Some things became only clear with a bit of distance. This made me count the traumas separately. Since then I noticed how they were shaped differently - as in their impact, what areas they affect and how they behave. I had mentioned, that the first big revelation to me was, that the trauma isn’t one big block, but has many minor smaller parts, that can be taken out one by one. Which is the baseline how all of this works. But the more I talked with other people and helped other people with their trauma and revisiting my own, I realized that there are significant differences between the traumas. The other two I likely revisit next week. This week is about the sneaky one, that flies under most radars and is extremely hard to pinpoint. It is the trauma that just scratches you, but it never enough that you can justify any action. So first we talk why I call it sleeper trauma and then how we can try to find it.
Why sleeper trauma? [2:05]
This trauma truly behaves like a sleeper agent - which is why I called it that way. This trauma you won’t notice. It is completely interwoven with you - but it still sabotages you. Like it is poisoning you. Not enough to kill you, but just enough to slow you down, hinder your happiness and making everything you do harder. It is almost worst to remove it, because it is like ripping off a huge part of your skin. Where in the middle of it, you might ask yourself rightfully, why did I do it in the first place? Because the problem is, as much as it doesn’t poison you enough, it poisons you too much for you to ignore it. But because it is like a sleeper agent, it is perfectly blended in and if you don’t start looking for that sleeper agent - you never find it. The sleeper trauma is shape wise pretty much completely flat. Unlike the deep cut severely traumatic experiences are, this one follows the rule of death by a thousand cuts - who barely cut at all. This is why the trauma is more shaped like a German pancake. But I didn’t want to call it pancake trauma, as first pancakes usually don’t kill you and secondly that might give some people the wrong impression what this is about. It is about you suffering for a very long time, from many light hidden attack, that weave this trauma, that now later in life still make you suffer and you can’t pin point at one thing as a reason why you feel how you feel.
How do we find the sleeper trauma? [3:52]
So, how do we find it? It is, as just described, hard to find and sadly rather subtle. It also doesn’t have the classic trigger with flashbacks and the like. It is not a lot of emotions stacked up, because it is many small things. Therefor you will rarely get an emotional outburst for it and also the symptoms are rather different for this one. It is hard to give general leads on this trauma, but there a few things. For me, the most clear one is following the trace left by tears. What do I mean by that? You might have already run into that, but is there a specific topic, music, theme, scene or the like, that makes you cry? Like that tear streaming down your cheeks of way? And you feel a kind of very deep sadness? Almost overwhelming? It can be a completely normal thing to cry for, like a goodbye scene or any tragic scene or the like. In general if a specific setting/theme/whatever keeps making you reliably cry, that means there is something buried. You might want to start digging. The other ways are less clear. But I also would go with memories, that somehow seem to keep popping into your head. They are usually not special, it might even appear completely ordinary. But they keep popping up in your memory. Seems often always kind of random. But somehow you keep seeing it - maybe it even rubbed you the wrong way. The best way remains to be alert and just watch out for unusual behavior.
Private words [5:47]
I recently saw an ad for designer brand face masks - obviously fake. Still, it is a thing here. People start designing their products with masks now and other create masks fitting for each outfits. So now, besides fitting your shoes, handbag and so on, you now also can match your face masks fitting to it. Not sure what to think about that trend, but at least people finding creative ways to deal with it. It is at the moment pretty much impossible to get fabric masks - since they became law and proven very effective. As it was to be expected. The statement of the WHO emergencies director doesn’t inspire much hope. Dr. Mike Ryan said that the virus might never go away, as did others, and we will just have to adapt to it - like we did with the others. I have to say, I fear so too, especially since we already got 3 different strands. It will - of course - never be as chaotic at the start, with the lock downs and the like, and of course there will be medications, but with the virus gotten this much out of control, that might be a possibility. I will be honest, but I didn’t saw these wide reaching consequences coming. Nonetheless I hope for the best and everyone stays as safe as they can.
Outro [7:22]
That was it for todays episode. I hope you found it helpful, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time!
Episode 52 - Ring and Ball Trauma (Trauma Update)
In this episode we revisit the topic trauma again to update it.
This time we go intot he shapes of the Ring and Ball Trauma. Unlike the Sleeper Trauma these two aren't really hiding and more obvious.
Nonetheless it is really helpful to know what their shapes look like.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the ring and ball trauma, which I hinted at last week. These two are the remaining shapes of trauma - as far as I know at the moment. I think it is important to be able to visualize the trauma and PTSD to better know what you are up against and it no longer is just an invisible something. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:34]
Well, the good news first: None of these two traumas will be hiding. You might be in denial about some of them, but they are not hiding. There is usually a clear impact or at least area where it comes from. Though this is only the core of the PTSD, the trauma. The whole PTSD is usually like cotton candy around the stick - which is a topic for another time. Nonetheless this is important to know, ESPECIALLY if you don’t know the core or reason for sure. Often people don’t know what is causing this, so this can help you understand what the main culprit looks like. It also offers some answers why something affected you. Though mostly it is to inform you and update your information regarding what trauma looks like.
Of course like with everything based in reality: There is no cut off - which of course means there is grey area and things in between… and of course you might have several traumas that are shaped differently. So, let us go from simple to more complex. That means we first talk about the ball trauma and then the ring trauma.
Ball/Bonbon Trauma [1:48]
First let us start with the ball or bonbon trauma, if we want to stick to the tradition of naming the traumas after sweets. This trauma is the most simple in its structure and impact - not that that makes it easy. This trauma usually happens, if you have a one time event that is traumatic. An example often used it the severe car crash or witnessing the death of someone. An event that most likely changes your life forever. Of course the ball itself is made of many smaller parts and can be dissolved this way, but the structure of the core trauma is the ball. But the simplicity can also cause problems: People don’t think that such an event warrants a trauma and start pushing the whole thing aside. Which leads for it to keep pilling things up and the PTSD getting bigger and more difficult to take care of. Similar to a small operation wound, the recovery time and the toll on the body is greatly underestimated. It is really hard to understand how long things take to heal until you had something like that. It is - unsurprisingly - the easiest of the three shapes to treat. The sooner - of course - the better. But it really makes it so much easier to have a clear cut out trauma.
Ring/Donut Trauma [3:11]
Second is the ring trauma or donut trauma, which is a bit more tricky than the ball trauma. It is sort of the midway between ball and sleeper trauma - at least in its complexity and easiness to find. You see, the ring trauma applies among other things, when you suddenly get traumatized by something, that happened several times before, but DIDN’T traumatize you. And suddenly you get PTSD. The ring trauma is several factors connecting with another and forming this core of the trauma. Which makes it a lot harder to come to the conclusion WHY and WHAT is traumatizing you. There is - as far as I know - no limits to the amount of factors that can be involved, and taking them apart is like disentangling quite a ball of yarn that is a complete mess. The trick is to take one aspect down after another - basically cut open the ring and work yourself through the line now. Well, more or less a line. It depends on how much those factors are connected to another. Either way you can usually only solve one aspect at a time. Of course this doesn’t only apply to things, that happened before and didn’t traumatize you, but also things that never happened before or the increase in severity. In my experience the ring trauma is present for strong PTSD and all C-PTSD cases. The more severe the PTSD the more extreme the Ring Trauma and the more factors added and the extremity of factors changes. Nonetheless, it is rather helpful to have a house number and know what you are supposed to look for.
Private Words [5:01]
I am afraid I can not ignore the unrest that is going on at the moment in America - as far as one can as an outsider. I am sure that the pandemic situation didn’t help, but there have been issues for quite a while. The reports we are getting, it really makes it look like a police state or a war zone. I also heard threats of military being added? As if the police running rampant like this isn’t bad enough. De escalation is needed ASAP. So many dead. So many injured. In times likes these true leadership shows itself… or the lack there of. I never thought I would witness this much of a failure of a president as the president of America. I am worried what he does next. As he - unlike in other nations - is also the head of the military. I know not without bounds, but when has this president ever known bounds are respected them? The nation is on fire, quite literally and I am just worried. Especially for those living on the borderline of society, as they are usually the first victims when the system is collapsing. And of course I am worried, that the soldiers will be ordered to wage war against the population of their own nation, because of the situation caused by this mad man. Who fanned the flames to distract from his failure. I know that I am hoping for a miracle, but I wish everyone to be kept from harm as much as possible and that there will be no reenactment of the civil war. A woman can hope and dream. Life is precious and so easily lost.
Please, take very good care of yourself and watch yourself, as these are trying times indeed. I hope and wish for the best, but mentally I prepare for the worst.
Outro [7:06]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you are all save and well. This year is certainly shaping up to be one hell of a challenge. May the odd be always in our favor. But, if I can help or if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time!
Episode 53 - Change - Difficult and Necessary
In this episode we talk about change, why it is necessary and why it is so hard. Not just something we face when healing from PTSD, but also in life in general. So it is important that we talk about it and maybe (and hopefully) better accept change.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about change - why it is so hard and why it needs to happen. Change isn’t just something that affects greatly our healing process, but also life in general. As much as this episode is a slight reflection of current events, it does mainly focus on the PTSD aspect of it. And I think it is important that we talk about it.
Prelude [0:34]
Before we start I just want to make clear, that I personally hate change. The autist in me wants nothing ever to change and spontaneous cancellations of plans or the like are the worst. I am really no fan of change. I tried during my healing journey so strongly to hold on to the old, but it was in vain. All things come to an end. That doesn’t mean you die with it. It just means that all things come to an end. Maybe something new comes from it that will replace the one before and life goes on pretty much as before. Most of the time it is a smooth transition, like the change of clothing style or music. All changes. That all things end is a good thing, as painful as it is to loose the things we love or hold so dear - it also means that the bad things end. The reigns of terror and horrible things that they bring along too. We can’t have one without the other. Either all stays forever or nothing. Change will never will be an universal well loved thing, as it always bring new challenges and dangers. So let us first talk about why Change is so hard and then why it needs to happen.
Change - Why it is so hard? [1:58]
So you may now ask yourself, why is it so hard? Well you can 100% blame your brain for that. You see our brain REALLY wants to stay alive - and does EVERYTHING to accomplish that. But sadly sometimes the actions of our brain do exactly the opposite. If we go back the old ages, for when our brain is most adapted for, change was something VERY dangerous. It meant potential death. You see, the brain was happy if it knew where it could find food, shelter, water and whatever it wants. That was stability and safety. In a time where every second could be your last. So that is what the brain wants to maintain. Now if anything changed, like the water source dried up… that was bad. Potentially lethal bad. As it meant, you were on a timer and forced to act. You might die of thirst or the new source is in a dangerous area or you might get attacked while looking for it. In other words: It was a gigantic risk once you had to look for new sources for necessities. So the brain learned to do everything it can at any cost to keep this sources as long as possible. Looked after the water source and made sure it did no go dry for example. It meant survival and safety in unsafe times. That basically means, if we want to change things, it is like we go to our brain and say ‘Let us get away from all those sources and go somewhere else and see what happens’ and the brain goes ‘Are you INSANE?’. Naturally it will block any such things, as it just want to be save and survive. Even if that behavior in our days sometimes lead to the exact opposite. That is also the reason it is so hard to leave your save zone.
Change - Why it needs to happen [3:55]
Now after I explained why it is so hard, it might be wise to give you a reason to go through this hassle. As the brain has kind of a point: If what you know has kept you alive, why change it? That change might make just everything so much worse. That is also why we don’t leave hostile environments, hostile relationships and the like. I mean… we survived them so far… better stick to the devil you know. But that is a bit survivors bias, is it not? More accurate would be: It hasn’t killed you YET. It is like poison: Just because it hasn’t killed you yet, doesn’t mean it isn’t poison or will not kill you. Everything in life is every moving and ever changing- like a wave, you can either swim with it or not. You can try to block it, but the structure will soon or later get brittle and nothing will remain. Because we change, we adapt to our circumstances and therefor grow. Our best development we experience in hard times - as it is so nicely put in the movie ‘Little Miss Sunshine’. Link to the clip in the description. It is important to keep the old good things, as far they are still valid and we can, but our reality changes everyday… a bit. And if we ignore that bit of change… over times it builds up to a tsunami wave and crushes all. That is why change needs to happen, so we keep swimming or keep up with life. Life erases those who don’t. You find the same logic and rules apply in different areas, but they all have the same outcome. If we don’t adapt or change to fit our new realities, we will fail. What that change is that needs to happen? Well that is always open for debate. The future will tell for sure - all we can do is to do the best we can to adapt.
Private Words [6:01]
I feel strongly with the protesters. They are tired of running. Like I was from my PTSD and turned around to face the beast. That is what happens if you keep attacking a man. At once point he turns around to face you. As he has no other choice. I think the same applies here. It was actually long overdue. That one death was just one too many. And this death sparked a movement similar to the German one. The one caused by Benno Ohnesorg, which ironically means without worry, is most likely the most important movement in German history. It lead to the Germans facing their past and prevent the rise of the old. I see many similarities between those two movements. I hope this one succeeds in its plans like the one in Germany did. It is just enough. Too many people died, too many people suffered. A system that slowly went more and more adrift in the last decades. The role of the people in power that worsened this situation should not be forgotten, as John Oliver pointed out nicely in his segment. To put it in a summary: Black people and other minorities were hunted for so long and now they are so tired, that they are facing the beast that is hunting and willing to use lethal force against them. An act of pure desperation. I hope they are successful, I hope the Military doesn’t get involved and that the violence ends. I hope. Despite the odds. Despite everything. Everyone has the right to want to be save.
Outro [7:52]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you are all well and save and hopefully unharmed. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time!
Episode 54 - Why do I feel worse, when I am getting better?
In this episode we talk about why you feel sometimes worse, when you are getting better. It is counter intuitive that you feel worse, when you are getting better, which is why many think this is them getting worse and this causes depression and the like. We first talk about why you feel first worse, when you start your healing journey or a new chapter. Then we talk about why the lack of emotions is bad and the suddenly outpouring of emotions is good. In the end just a short summary how you can actually see if you are getting better.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the downfall we experience, once we start our journey to healing or if we open a new step or chapter of it. It is counter intuitive that you feel worse, when you are getting better, which is why many think this is them getting worse. Understandably, but that is a good reason why we have to talk about it.
Prelude [0:31]
I recently was asked by someone once again, why the experience they had was a good sign, when it made them feel so much worse. This question I have gotten several times. In different healing stages. As we touched on it briefly before, it has everything to do with the boxes and our brain opening them. I refer to them often as Pandora's boxes, because once you open them - hell breaks loose and there is no way to stop it. And part of the healing progress is opening those boxes. Those boxes are usually the core of triggers or even a part or segment of the trauma itself. Dealing with them is crucial and can not be avoided. Then there is the instance, that people say they suddenly feel all those emotions, when they were completely fine with it before and why it is suddenly a problem and giving nightmares. So first, we are going to talk about why it goes down, when you open one of those boxes, why the lack of emotions is bad and then we briefly check on how we can know we are getting better.
Open the box - why it makes you go down [1:39]
So let us start first with the boxes, what are they? You see as mentioned many times before, our brain wants to survive and does everything to achieve that. It views any trauma or trigger as a threat. For a good reason. So it tries to contain the threat in a box. The problem is, our brain is usually incapable of properly putting the thing in the box, so it is more of a half up to mostly contained thing - that spills out and poisons its environment. Trigger reactions are usually when you open the lid JUST a little. And a swell of poison will come out. To properly contain whatever is in that box, we have to open it - deal with it and then put it in a solid box to store it. If you do that properly, the trauma, trigger, trauma part or the like, will no longer bother you. With that I mean, you will be able to talk about it freely, without being affected by it significantly. A slight ping of pain or the like might still happen, depending on what it was, but otherwise you are no longer controlled by it. Which is how you heal, step by step. Freeing yourself from it. But as you can imagine, opening a box filled with poison brings you to your knees as soon as you open it. Fighting this poison is how you deal with it. But you can only deal with so much poison. So you need to be better, before you can open the bigger boxes. You need breaks before you open more boxes. So, as said often before, one step at a time and you get there.
Lack of emotions - a very bad sign [3:21]
The other thing I often hear is: “What happened to me couldn’t be that bad, I don’t feel anything regarding it!” - which is extremely bad. Remember me saying that the brain does everything to survive and contain? The same applies here. This is a sign, that the experience was so bad and/or overwhelming, that the brain shut down all emotions, because they were too much to handle. So the lack of emotions is a VERY bad sign. The thing is, the emotions are locked in a barrel, which isn’t tightly shut - so now and then emotions will spill out. You might suddenly have an emotional outburst or respond unusually emotional. Now what happens if you feel better and the brain tries to get rid of this barrel that causes so much issues? You of course drop in a hole of misery. All the emotions you felt will suddenly pour out and overwhelm you. So, now often people who don’t know about this, will assume, they did something horrible wrong and have fallen back health wise. Which is kind of true, but more in the opening of the box kind of way. Which leads often for the symptoms getting worse and adding depression to the mix, because they don’t know where this came from. Which is why it is so important to understand what is going on.
Am I really getting better? [4:42]
Just a little throw in at the end about how you know you ARE getting better. To be honest, it only works in hindsight. As the healing process is such an up and down, as we recently talked about, it is hard to see otherwise. I can really only recommend making diaries, lists or whatever, if you have trouble remembering what your state was earlier on. You really see only how far you have gotten if you look back and see where you came from. It is a long road - so having some milestones along the way can really make the difference. And don’t worry about the speed of recovery, you get there when you get there. It only matters THAT you get there.
Private Words [5:25]
This was quite a day. I was visiting the woman doctors because in the weeks before I had repeatedly chest pain. Well breast pain to be precise. Since my mother had breast cancer I was seriously worried. As it is normal, my brain ran rampant and I dealt with the possibility I could be dying. I knew it was very unlikely I had cancer, but if, it would have been in a later stage. I have nothing - luckily. But that whole ordeal did put quite a wrench into my life. And it caused quite a bit of an avalanche of things and my brain going rampant. Either way, all is well. Now back to business as usual.
Outro [6:11]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you liked it. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time!
Episode 55 - Episode skip - My dog will be put down
Just a very short explanation of why there is no real episode this week.
Hello my dears.
Sadly my doctors appointment last week broke my dogs neck.
He will be most likely put down on Thursday.
My heart was bleeding too much to write an episode.
There are no words.
Watch yourselves and take very good care of you.
Johanna
Episode 56 - Living with your decision (Guilt)
In this episode we will talk about living with your decision and a bit about the guilt that is sometimes associated with it. We talk about the impact of the decision, shortly about forgiving yourself and accepting the decision. Many topics we surely will revisit.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about living with your decision and a bit about the guilt that is sometimes associated with it. It might be a bit of a different episode than usual.
Prelude [0:23]
I recently hit the topic myself as in reason listed last episode, but also while I was helping others. What if I make the wrong decision? They were too scared to make a decision, because of this very reason. They prospect of making the wrong choice scared them so much that they weren’t able to make one. How could I live with my decision? What if I make things worse? That is the problem with a dilemma - either way you choose, you will cause suffering either way. So many people decide not to choose, so they can say to themselves, that it wasn’t THEM who caused it. The problem with that is, it doesn’t really work. By not doing anything, usually the worst thing happens or a worse thing you didn’t even imagine or both might happen or the like. Why we need to make decisions and why it is so important for the healing process is an own topic for another time, this time we focus on our feelings with the decision we DID make.
Impact of the decision [1:28]
So here we are, we made a decision and now bad things happened because of it. Maybe we were aware that they might happen, maybe we weren’t. Either way, now they are here. And without a doubt in our heads we go back in time where we could have turned this away. When there was still enough time to change things or at least to do things differently. Regret is usually always there. It is even worse if someone dies. Either connected to our choice or our choice made us miss out. Even if no one dies, we nonetheless feel guilty about the suffering we caused. And of course we are going to miss - whatever we lost. Painfully aware it was our path that led us here. People will ask, why we made this choice. Hard to defend, if you didn’t want to do it in the first place. And of all the choices that were present, it was the one you could live best with - or at least you thought you could. Facing all of this it is no wonder that most people rather not choose.
Forgiving yourself [2:41]
Because no matter what people believe, most people really struggle with forgiving themselves. Not to push it aside or pay a compensation or deny it, but actually learning to forgive yourself and letting something go. I am NOT saying, that if you do something wrong you shouldn’t try and do make amends for it. Far from it. That is about them. This is about you. I am talking about forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made. This is of course not simply done by waving your hand or anything the like. But via a hard introspection and look at what you did and why you did it. We can’t change the past, just how we deal with it. Often we are mostly disappointed in ourselves - we failed to meet our own expectations… and in hindsight everything was so obvious. The feelings of guilt are a topic of themselves.
Accept the decision [3:40]
But let us be real here: You did in that moment what you thought was the right decision. Depending on your life experiences, the knowledge you had, the energy you had, your constitution and your view of the situation. Of course you know afterwards more and the decision appears in a different light - but you have to remember, in that moment you didn’t had that knowledge and weren’t in the state you are in now. We have the saying, I wish I had the knowledge I have today yesterday. But that isn’t how it works, is it? You know now more because of all your decisions and experiences along the way. You learned from your mistakes. It is what it is. What happened did happen. You can’t change it. You can only accept it happens and take consequences from that, this way changing hopefully for the better. But no one is helped with self flailing. Either try to change things (be it by changing yourself or your surrounding) or accept things as they are. Hitting yourself gets no one anywhere. So to summarize: You accept what happened, you take consequences from that - be it change of behavior or doing something or the like, forgive yourself for making a mistake and take the actions that are necessary.
Private Words [5:08]
My dog is still alive - I never thought that would be a somber statement. Sadly, my decision was taking away from me. And as much I love still having him with me, watching him suffer and deteriorate more and more is horrible. Apparently though his suffering isn’t enough and until then nothing happens. Despite the signs of what will happen soon are obvious and the fate I had hoped to spar him from will happen. He deserves better. So now it is time to wait until he drops and I call the emergency vet to put him down or he falls asleep while he sleeps. I pray for the latter. To whom? I am not being picky in my situation.
Outro [6:02]
That was it for todays episode. We will surely going to revisit the topics guilt, feelings of guilt, decision and the like. Nonetheless I hope you liked this episode, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time!
Episode 57 - Will this nightmare ever end?
In this episode we talk about the question many don't dare to ask out loud: Will this nightmare ever end? And the hopelessness associated with it. We first get into why we feel this way, then we answert the title question and lastly what we can do about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a question that kept coming up in the last weeks: Will this nightmare ever end? As in will I ever get better or am I trapped? As much as this can also apply to the sadly horrific situation America is in right now - we ask this in regard if this PTSD nightmare will ever end. I know this is a fear that nags on many people, but don’t really dare to ask or say it. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:43]
I mentioned before that I also feel like in a hamster wheel at times, the same cycle repeats itself again and again - and you just don’t seem to be able to escape it. It is exhausting and understandably to just feel tired. I do feel that, even though I DO know better. For a very long time during my healing path I was worried - no it was my greatest fear - that after all my hardship and suffering I would hit a locked door. That I was doomed to be locked in this nightmare and the path upwards was just something that was kind of an illusion, that would lead to nowhere or to a door that remains locked and I remain doomed. That didn’t happen. It was more leaving a fog of sorts. Everything became clear and I had access to things I had thought I had lost. Or even forgot I had once. It was a very unique experience. First we talk about why we feel this way, then we get to main question, if this nightmare will ever end and lastly we get into what we can do.
Why do we feel this way? [2:02]
So why do we feel this way? To put it simple: It is one of the symptoms. Maybe in co-operation with depression, but it doesn’t really matter. The biggest thing about PTSD is, that is discourages you to get better. It is almost if it has an awareness. It is like a villain in a game, series, movies or the like. “Don’t even think about fighting me, I am so powerful you don’t have a chance!” Never wise to follow those words of your enemy. This feeling of never be able to break free is one of the sabotage symptoms of PTSD. PTSD is not just make you suffer, but it also sabotaging you in getting better. Like the ring in lord of the rings. Which really makes it an extra level of cruel. It is really the cancer of psychological illnesses. It doesn’t just take away your hope in getting better, but also takes away the taste of food and drinks. Takes all the joy, positive emotions… even love is affected by it. All of course depending on your kind of trauma and the extremity of it. All part of the sabotaging part of PTSD.
So, will this nightmare ever end? [3:15]
Which bring us back to the question: Will this nightmare ever end? Yes, it will. BUT. Not on its own. It will definitely not just go away, if you ignore it long enough. Seriously, when did that ever worked out well? Though this feeling will remain and always come back along the way, even if you know better, by already being completely free of it or you just unlocking a new section or the like. This feeling of hopelessness, is sadly often part of the healing cycle we have been talking about a lot lately. The good news is, the further you are with your healing, the weaker the sabotage gets. It is like usual: If you are at your bottom and lie on the ground, you will be kicked. But be up and running? And you get tail wind. It is the good old vicious cycle. So, it does get easier and the nightmare does end. And the really funny and weird thing is, as soon as the nightmare truly ends… it very soon vanishes from your memory. Like a bad dream… it all just fades away. All the suffering and the horribleness, just an echo and almost barely recognizable. Almost like it never happened. It is all just an illusion of sorts, but sadly you only see that afterwards.
What CAN we do? [4:38]
Which leads me to the question: What CAN we do? There is sadly little we can do once we are caught in it. We can only do the riding the wave move - in which we learn to time our efforts. We need to let it wash over us, limits it effects and preserve our energy as much as possible. That means we use our mantra, breathing techniques, grounding techniques, whatever works to calm our minds. Careful that you don’t use a downward spiral to self sabotage. That means you are slowly talking yourself into getting worse. Usually with scenarios that make the situation worse and worse. That means as soon you find yourself reiterating how bad the situation is, just try to shut that down as fast as you can and redirect your thoughts. The more often you do it, the easier it gets. Besides that, we can do our Mantra, breathing techniques and whatever that helps us to calm down in a situation with high stress. Simply to take the blow out of it. Besides that try to get ANYTHING done… be it in reality, game, digitally, whatever. It is important to have small success event now and then. Sometimes you need a little band aid to keep you going.
Outro [6:00]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time!
Episode 58 - Everything is too much (Overwhelmed)
In this episode we talk about being overwhelmed, when everything is just too much and you can't really do anything. Not just limited on PTSD, but this is the focus on this episode. We first get into why does it happen, then in what we can do and lastly why that sometimes means we might have to take a step back
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about everything just being too much - as in being overwhelmed. This includes really everything. Thousand things pulling on you. It is one of the symptoms - especially when we are in our healing waves worse phase. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:32]
Since I am an autist I am also dealing with this on a separate level, so apologizes if things spill a bit over. Though in my experience those are two different version of being overwhelmed. One is more psychological, while the other is more in the brain and nerves - if that makes any sense. Either way, I am all too familiar with everything being too much and feeling overwhelmed. It is a feeling like being in a current, unable to really move or do anything, but unlike a current you can’t even explain what is going on. Just that everything is kind of too much. Like a whole ocean dropping on top of you. Just pressing you down and you have trouble just standing. Everything is too much and even sort of painful. It is hard to think or speak… or explain what is going on. You just want to be left alone.
Why does it happen? [1:29]
Like mentioned earlier this usually happens if we are going downhill as part of the cycle or wave whatever you want to call it. It can be used as a way to measure where you are in the healing cycle. It means your brain is stressed out to its limit with an issue and tries to tackle it. In the best case it is able to remove the issue from the list. This depends on the tools the brain is able to use and the issue - naturally. Because the brain is so occupied with fighting the issue, it uses all the energy it has on it. Leaving no resources left to filter anything or deal with new input - at least in the worst version of this. Which makes anything coming in painful and causing stress. This doesn’t mean you are now back at square one, but just that you are taking a hit and need to step carefully and defend yourself.
What can we do? [2:31]
How we defend ourselves depends strongly on the severity of the situation. If literally everything is too much, then there is little else we can do, besides all the relaxation techniques, mantras and the like. Anything that helps to calm ourselves and let this storm go right over us. We need to be as calm as possible so the brain can work in peace. Sadly anything else would just overwhelm us again. If it is less severe, then music can be EXTREMELY helpful, it can almost sometimes blast the storm away. Drawing, working out, fishing, any hobby or activity that helps you, but that doesn’t require much think work. Music can also help the brain fight the issue - if you select the right song, it might help the brain figure out what the issue exactly is and how to tackle it. Sadly that is an skill by itself and goes beyond this episode. The most important thing is that you take very good care of yourself, as much as you can. I know how hard it can be in this state to do anything really, but you really have to tread carefully.
Take a step back [3:51]
Sadly this often means we have also take a step back progress wise. As we are not able to do what we could do a few days before. I know it is hard to give this bastard of an illness even an inch. You don’t want to give up what you just fought so hard to regain. But that is one of those cases where you have to weigh in, if it is worth using all your energy fighting it and risking your state worsening even more. Not that I am a lot different, I am also rather stubborn in that regard. But it has shown again and again, that if you don’t fight this storm, but rather sit it out and move afterwards - that you move faster on the long run. This feeling of overwhelming usually occurs when we are at our limit. It is a sign we went a bit too fast or were confronted with too much or the like. We can’t sadly move as fast as want on our healing path. Small steady steps lead to the goal. Even though it is the hardest thing to be patient enough to do just that.
Outro [5:03]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you liked it. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time!
Episode 59 - The phases of the healing wave
In this episode we will talk about the phases of the healing waves and when it doesn’t really apply. The healing wave is the up and down that mark our healing path. It is about explaining why we feel the way we do during the healing process. And it helps us access where we are at and how we can improve our healing - by learning to 'ride the wave'.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the phases of the healing waves and when it doesn’t really apply. The healing wave is the up and down that mark our healing path. Some waves are huge, some are really small. It is key to learn how to ride them to speed up the healing process. We talked about parts of it before, but now we go through it step by step. As it can be very confusing if you don’t know why things are happening or why they are happening the way they are happening.
Prelude [0:40]
Let us first get into what a healing wave is. Did you ever look at a weather chart? The same on a small scale also applies. On the big scale you have the temperature over the year. In zones with 4 season that should be a perfect up and down. From Summer to Winter. On the medium scale you see that there are hotter times in spring or cooler ones. Simple Week up and downs. Then on a small scale we have the up and down of day and night. So for our example, our healing path is the big scale, our recent healing phase is the medium scale and our daily situation is the small scale. You might have better or worse days, but it all usually follows more or less the same formula. So we first go step by step of the healing wave, then when it doesn’t apply and why it sometimes seems it doesn’t end.
Start/Opening the box/Summer [1:36]
First we start when you are feeling good and the brain has enough energy to start this process. Yes, this is good. As it needs to be done. You need to be in a state of some what stability and enough energy. Usually what the brain decides to handle is caused by a cue or it having gotten the brains attention lately. But - as far as I know - it can’t be directly controlled. For our box example that is opening the box and for our season example this is summer.
The Fall/Inspecting the box/Autumn [2:13]
Now what comes next is the fall or decline of our wellbeing. We will show symptoms or our symptoms gets worse - depending on your situation. Insomnia, eating disorder, depression, disassociation and so on. Everything gets worse and worse. No matter if it is the void inside of you that make everything numb or the chest pain and swell of emotions, that make you feel like you are being ripped apart. Generally it is usually a soft floating down, that you don’t really notice it. You just suddenly notice that things have gotten worse… and most likely have no idea what started it all. There is just too much of an delay. We talked about this phase in greater deal in episode 54 about why we feel worse when we are getting better. In short your body is directing EVERYTHING it has to deal and be done with the issue at hand. In our box example we are inspecting and dealing with the box we opened. The Season we are in now is Fall or Autumn.
The low point/Sorting what is in the box/Winter [3:22]
The descent continues until we hit absolute rock bottom. We are now stretched to the absolute maximum what we can endure. Literally every ounce we have is redirected to solving the issue. Usually this means we are not capable of doing ANYTHING. Like literally. Sometimes that means being reduced to just stare at the wall and suffer. Sound, visuals, smells… everything can be now too much. This is the point to just try to relax and do as little as possible. First so that you don’t waste energy and secondly so this goes over faster and thirdly that it goes over more smoothly. This is clearly the worst phase. In our example this is the brain sorting what is in the box. What is needed and what not and where to put the content. The Season is clearly winter.
The rise/Repacking the box/Spring [4:17]
But once the knot is loosened, we rise! It almost feels like a whale shooting up to break the surface. Suddenly we get energy and all the colors return and we can do stuff again and everything seems possible! Getting healed appears to be just around the corner! Usually we use the time to do all the work pile that piled up during the last two phases. It is wise to not go too overboard with this, otherwise you get a crash. I also recommend using this time not just to work but to gather positive energy in form of good memories, getting things done for yourself and have some quality time with maybe some friends. For our example this is repacking the box in a new box that is now correctly placed. There is the feeling of having succeeded and a job well done. The Season we are in now is spring. In the end you should be now at a general higher level than you were before that process started. Climbing higher and higher up the mountain until you reached your goal.
When it doesn’t apply/ the recovery wave [5:26]
Though the last point only applies if it was a healing wave. It doesn’t apply if this whole process was caused by a trigger and your brain being unable to target or dissect a trigger. Then it is the other way around. After you succeeded you will be a bit lower overall than you were before. Or even a lot if you were traumatized again. I would refer to it as recovery wave and I will get into that another time in full. For now I just wanted to clarify the difference between those two.
Why it sometimes doesn’t end /stacking up/too low [6:00]
Then we have sometimes the situation where it doesn’t seem to end. Sometimes you can trigger another wave while you are in a wave. Which is of course something horrible that shouldn’t happen, but does. Which means you have to deal with two waves at a time - that won’t end well, especially if you were triggered or traumatized and will be just lower at the end result. Which you of course can recover from. But that is why it is so important to be careful with triggers or new trauma. Though sometimes it is just that you are SO low that even spring feels barely energetic at all. It will just feel like a small relief. Other times the healing wave is just big and can take multiple weeks to take place. It really depends, but with experience you can learn to read the situation, ride the waves and make the best out of it.
Outro [6:59]
That was it for todays episode. I know this whole situation is very confusing, scary and exhausting. I hope I managed to give some clarity and tools to deal with it a bit better.
Of course, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time!
Episode 60 - The phases of recovery wave (trigger, trauma, etc)
In this episode we talk about opposite of the healing wave - the recovery wave. This happens if you get triggered, hurt, traumatized or anything the like. Unlike the healing wave the recovery wave just reestablishes the status quo - if not worse. We talk about the phases of the wave and where it differentiates to the healing one. It might help you understand what is happening to you.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the phases of the recovery wave - as how we recover from a trigger, trauma and the like. I mentioned it last week, so it might be a good opportunity to pick up where we left of. Unlike the healing wave, this recovery wave is something bad. Not the recovery of course, but it means you were hit by something and that it shouldn’t have happened. For whatever reason, be it you went to far, you were triggered or traumatized or the like. But I think it is important to understand why it differentiates and why what happens. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:47]
The recovery wave, unlike the healing wave, is a reaction to being hurt or harmed in any way or shape during your healing progress. Which usually happens in a bad time for you. The time and extent of this recovery is of course depending on what hit you. It can take hours to months to more… if you were severely traumatized again. But usually it takes hours to weeks. Unlike during the healing wave, we don’t have a summer - if we pick up our example from last week. Which means we also don’t open boxes, we just put something back where it was and lose energy. It is like going to Alaska and measure the season by European and most of US standards. That means we have Autumn or Fall, a very long Winter and a bit of Spring. Because the body didn’t plan on doing anything it couldn’t gather enough energy, prepare and so on, which is why we don’t have a summer. That also means the whole process is worse than the healing version of it, as the body can’t soften the blow and is ill prepared to deal with it all.
Autumn/Fall [2:03]
We start with our fall, as we decline more and more. It depends on the sort of impact we had, if it is a slow fall or a rapid descent. Also how far we fall depends on that… but also how quick we were able to catch ourselves. The better our state the better we are at catching ourselves. Usually, the better our state overall, the better we are and the easier it is. Similar to the healing wave - you will notice your symptoms getting worse. From side effects to the main symptoms. It might once again take a while to figure out WHY you are falling. The sooner you figure it out, the sooner you can stop the fall - if you know how - and start the recovery process. Season wise we are in Autumn or Fall in our example.
Winter [2:53]
Then comes the long time at the bottom. You are fighting an uphill battle on multiple fronts.
First, you will most likely be in a weakened state to begin with.
Second, you will most likely have barely any energy to do anything.
Third, you will have only limited information on what you are up against - as this is new - unlike the old things you have stored away. This makes it harder to aim.
Fourth, the lack of information makes it also harder for you to correctly plan your energy spending. As you don’t know how small or big your opponent is and what you all need. All in all you are fighting against a vicious circle and need to push it back and turn it into the opposite. It is exhausting, unrewarding, frustrating and a lot of work. Take a breather wherever you can. This is truly a marathon and sadly rushing doesn’t really help. It takes really long, as you can barely move at all. If you are able to get some help, I strongly encourage you to get it. Accepting help is not something bad. Otherwise I recommend treading very carefully and accepting the situation as much as you can. Season wise we are of course in Winter.
Spring [4:17]
After that comes the breaking free. There isn’t really a rise like in the healing wave. Depending on how long the winter was, you will be in the end lower than you were before entering this. Maybe even much lower. It is more a feeling of being able to breathe again and having survived a storm. Still this is a victory and a success. This is incredible hard to archive and a huge load of work is needed for that. It is difficult to feel good after spending this huge fight to just come back to a worse status quo, but it shows you are able and willing to pick yourself up after being put on the mat. Kudos to you - it is a good reason to be proud. And we end the seasons with spring once again.
Outro [5:08]
That was it for todays episode. This was definitely an interesting week. I hope you all are staying safe and protecting yourself. From the virus and from PTSD. As usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time!